When Lost delivers a metaphorical mouthful, it doesn't seem to be satisfied until we're gagging on the mediocre morsels that it leaves in its wake.
This week was like a bank holiday Monday on the Island; everyone important has buggered off for a day, leaving it to that woman from The West Wing to do all of the work.
So back we flash to a time, which, is really far back, but people speak English and have really white teeth. First we are thrust into front row seats for the birth of Jacob and his brother, who turns out to be the Baby in Black ? latterly the Man in Black. Poor BIB?s mother isn't alive long enough to give the embittered bambino a name – or an umbilical cord, apparently.
So it's up to the non-mother ? another character who frustratingly refuses to have a name – to raise the couple of miniature deities herself. So it's just like Muppet Babies; stagnant, devoid of creativity and akin to staring into the abyss.
Baby Jacob and MIB?s adventure starts off with a board game. we're not quite sure which, but it sure as hell wasn?t Hungry, Hungry Hippos. And after we've been successfully slapped round the face with another good and evil analogy, we're treated to a succession of confusing fanbase bum-licking to alienate everybody but the type of weirdos you come across self-flagellating on Chatroulette.
Well, the little blighters did do the first reveal of the episode; that little blonde kid running around, smiling sinisterly at Cocke this series was, in fact, wee Jacob. Not quite sure why the dead guy is now appearing as a child on the Island, but at this point we couldn't care less if he was running around with his nob hanging out.
These two troublesome tykes are soon shown the secret of the Island; the reason why they are there and what we've been leading up to for years: A sixty watt light-bulb down a toilet hole in the middle of the jungle ? brilliant. If that mystical McGuffin didn't have you sticking your hand down your pants in excitement, then things only got better.
Finding out that his mother isn't his mother, but a sinister manipulator that would have Ben Linus unleashing a black monster in his pants, MIB leaves Jacob and joins up with the humans ? which, like all of us, when surrounded with them, holds them in nothing but contempt.
Years later, MIB and Jacob are all grown up, finding themselves staring into each other?s eyes vacantly for days. MIB has built the giant donkey wheel, the implausible device once turned by Ben. Not quite sure how a cog system involving water and light, manipulates space and time. Then again, we're not sure how a cog system of water and wankary operate Ant n? Dec.
MIB just banged on about wanting to leave the Island and return to the world that he never knew he came from. His non-mother had other plans, giving him the Luke Skywalker experience by burning his family and home until he's a sobbing, revenge-soaked mess.
Meanwhile, being the only kid left to count on, the non-mother spikes Jacob?s drink, leaving him with omnipotent powers and the ability to make a long-running drama into a giant nonsensical arsebag.
Sensing things are getting out of hand, MIB stabs his mother, fuelling Jacob?s hate for his brother. Jacob does the smart thing and chucks MIB down the glowing toilet, unleashing the Smoke Monster. Really, we have no fucking idea what is happening at this point.
Later, feeling all pensive, Jacob finds, MIB?s body, and lays it next to his mother in the cave, along with black and white stones. So they were Adam and Eve from season one all along. Although, for anyone that's lobotomised, we are given a handy reminder in the form of a Season one flashback when Jack, Kate and Locke find the bodies. Except, they missed the part out where Jack says: “It takes 40 or 50 years for clothing to degrade like this.”
Although, we wouldn't recommend you tell people that. They?ll begin to think you know more than the writers. That’ll only end with them blindly watching you for six years, until you start shitting on their dreams.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter
King's Wife says
Couldn’t have said it better myself. Watching this episode was sort of like sleeping with your ex; engage in really bad acting and fake smiles, make cheezy stuff up to appease them, dance around the issues, be thankful it’s over and then try to forget about it.
stella says
There’re too many holes in the plot, I doubt they’re going to bung them all up. But you missed the unfolding philosophical depth of the story. A pathologically possessive Nazi serial killer, who chose the dumber twin to take her place, turning him into a cold-blooded manipulative fratricide and treacherous mass murderer packed with good intentions, ruled this godforsaken island. Like mummy, like son. The MIB is an innocent victim of these two maniacs.
I wonder who the first psycho dictator was.
BTW, at the beginning they spoke in Latin, then they switched to
English to spare us the pain of reading subtitles all the time.
Probably they were Christians that fled from Roman Empire.
Ironically, the dupe in white didn’t want to cross the ocean, but travelled wherever and whenever he pleased, while the MIB was obsessed with leaving and can hardly swim.
The moral of the story: beware of good intentions!