Remember when everyone used to fancy Liz Hurley? She was the posh English rose who looked like she was absolute filth and erupted the nation’s trousers by appearing in a safety pin dress and getting cheated-on by Hugh Grant who decided to get a nosh from Divine Brown.
Basically, there was a time when she was the Princess Diana it was socially acceptable to say that you’d like to bum her or something.
After a string of impressively poor films, she faded away, only to appear in gossip rags when she was dating some inexplicably average looking wealthy bloke. And now, she’s all set to puzzle men the world over as she’s allegedly swapping bodily fluids with a chubby Australian cricketer who does adverts for hair growth products. That’s right, it looks like she’s been getting off with Shane Warne.
While this news is baffling, it could be seen as a good thing. Basically, it means that you can be quite ugly and have your gut spilling over the top of your jeans and still be in with a chance of porking Liz Hurley… as long as you don’t mind having sex with a supporter of the Conservative party.
Over the weekend, some tabloid who doesn’t link to us when they pinch our articles, so we’re not sending them any traffic either, published pictures of Hurley and Warne in positions that would have you believe that they are both ‘romantically involved’.
This saw everyone leaping to their feet in disgust, saying that she was a bad human for shagging someone behind her husband’s back.
And so, to Twitter, the thing celebrities take to when they need to set the record straight, which saw Hurley mewing about how she had separated from her Indian tycoon husband Arun Nayar ‘a few months ago’.
‘Not a great day. For the record, my husband Arun & I separated a few months ago. Our close family & friends were aware of this.’
The tabloid said:
‘Hurley and Warne roared with laughter and chatted like old friends during the lively meal in a first-floor room. And at 1am they were spotted going down the escalator to the lobby area.
‘While they waited for their coats to be brought to them Hurley reportedly pulled Warne towards her into a darkened doorway, cupped his face with her hands and leaned in to lock lips.
‘After releasing from their clinch they gazed into each other’s eyes and smiled adoringly.’
Who actually talks like that? Apart from gossiping pricks, obviously.
Of course, this doesn’t mean anything, right? WRONG. The odd couple where also spotted exchanging saliva and grunting in each other’s ears like barnyard animals at the cricketer’s ?1,750-a-night suite at the Bentley Hotel in South Kensington.
Then, they locked themselves away for more than 11 hours. They were either dossing about watching the snooker or they were having so much sex that it actually set light to both of their genitals. Imagine the putrid smell of burning hair, especially that of Warne’s, regrown and thickened by the good people of the Advanced Pube Studio.
The couple have been flirting via animals too.
In one tweet, in what seems to be a coded message from a dog, Hurley tells Warne:
‘Sammy sends you a special lick and says he’d like to put his silky head on your shoulder.’
A special lick? What on earth could that possibly mean? Does Liz Hurley like smearing Mr Dog on boyfriend’s nutsacks and beckoning Sammy to come in and lick it clean?
Maybe that is why Hurley split up with her tycoon husband. He just wasn’t prepared to involve animals in his sex life.
And if you’re a lawyer reading this, please note that much of this article is a joke and meant to be funny and in no way meant to seriously imply that Liz Hurley likes to have sex with dogs. Shane Warne, we’re not so sure about however. He’s probably up for anything, the dirty bugger.
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dave says
WARNEY!!! As a proud Australian and cricket fan I need to tell you that while it might be news in the UK, we Aussies accepted Shane for who he is a long time ago, a serial-texter (sex texts, salacious!) and shagger!! Its ok with us, because you know, being a cricketing legend trumps anything else in life!! Plus Liz Hurley was hot in that Austin Powers flick! Not sure why that matters…WARNEY!!!!!
Shane Warne-out says
Warnie is an E.T, that is why he has been known to do a lot of serial probing. That is also why he had perfect control over his ball`s on the pitch. He prefers the pitch well trimmed and a little moist underneath the surface, apparently it assists his ball movement and control through the air. Get over it, you Pommie mugs, he still has his mesmerising control, over the lot of you, women included.