You know what we like? Stories where every single party involved ends up looking like the worst kind of twat.
So you can imagine our delight when we heard that the woman who accused Lindsay Lohan of stealing her fur coat has now made things official and has hit Lindsay with an actual lawsuit even though the coat was returned to her some months ago.
We know we don’t live in New York, but can anyone swing it for us to be the judge for this one? And while you’re at it, can you can also change the law so that we’re allowed to find both Lindsay Lohan and this Masha Markova woman guilty of being needless spaz-wipes and punish them by throwing them and their stupid coat into an active volcano forever while we dance around it wearing ghoulish animal masks? It’d mean a lot, thanks.
You know what really got our goat when we were students? No, not the fact that our cooker was legally condemned for a month or the way that we’d routinely have to lay slug pellets on our carpet at night so we didn’t tread barefoot on hundreds of invading slime-covered gastropods first thing in the morning.
No, the thing that really ticked us off when we were at university was the time when Lindsay Lohan swiped our $12,000 dollar mink coat from the VIP section of an exclusive upmarket New York bar. Boy, did that ever make our blood boil!
And it seems we’re not the only ones, either. College student Masha Markova claims the exact same thing happened to her recently. As we’ve previously reported, Masha Markova says that Lindsay Lohan stole her fur coat from New York bar 1 Oak and was pictured around town wearing it. Then, when the coat was eventually returned to Markova, it smelled faintly of cigarettes and alcohol.
However, despite photographic evidence that appears to suggest the contrary, Lindsay Lohan flat-out denies that she stole the coat. And she has a point – just because it was returned smelling of cigarettes and alcohol it doesn’t mean that Lindsay Lohan stole it. Now, if the coat was returned smelling of cigarettes, alcohol, cocaine and upwards of three hectolitres of stale human and animal semen then Markova would have a point, but it wasn’t.
But that hasn’t stopped Masha Markova from suing Lindsay Lohan for damages, in a case that several legal experts are already dubbing ‘the biggest cocking waste of everyone’s time since the beginning of fucking ever.’ ABC News reports:
Maria “Masha” Markova filed a civil lawsuit in Manhattan Supreme Court on Monday. The suit asks for “punitive and exemplary damages” but does not specify the amount. “Let it be up to a jury to decide,” Markova’s attorney, Merrill Cohen, told ABCNEWS.com, “if it goes that far.” Cohen previously told ABCNEWS.com, “If we filed suit, we would seek punitive damages in the six-figure range. It has to be something that’s going to be substantial, that makes her accountable for what she did.”
We’re literally on the edge of our seats waiting to see whether Lindsay Lohan or Masha Markova comes out on top of this nailbiting lawsuit. No, wait, actually it turns out that we’re on the edge of our seats because this moronic squabble has made us so angry that it’s given us quite explosive haemorrhoids. Either way, we’re on the edge of our seats, and shouldn’t that count for something?
Actually, you know, we can’t see what all the fuss is about. Masha Markova shouldn’t be angry if Lindsay Lohan stole her fur coat – Masha Markova should be proud that a garment she owned was used to cover up Lindsay Lohan’s tits for once. The planet owes that fur coat a debt of thanks.
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