There’s a feeling in Hollywood that you shouldn’t listen to what people write about you, rather, measure it in inches. Well Lindsay Lohan must be thrilled because she’s got roughly 289 miles of articles written about her in 2010. She’ll need one big-ass scrapbook for clippings for Christmas.
Of course, the main crux of LiLo’s year is that she’s Gone Off The Rails. This essentially means that she’s been enjoying the trappings of fame and was unlucky enough to get caught by the cops, leaving her to give us the doe-eyes and ask for redemption while we all sneer and bray like injured donkeys.
When she entered the Betty Ford Clinic, it looked like she might become boring and clean herself up. Alas, with 2 weeks left of her program, she’s gone and assaulted someone so we can all sniffily dismiss her as a broken minded nutjob. Good work!
If the rumours are true, Lohan could well find herself rattling a tin cup along the bars of a cell as Lohan is being investigated for (allegedly) assaulting a female employee at the rehab. We’ve always figured that, if you’re going to assault someone when you’re a celebrity, you should do it properly, either by hitting people with planks of wood with nails through the end or doing elbow drops from the tops of vending machines.
Anyway, the whole shitstorm kicked off when the employee chided Lohan for returning back to the clinic late after spending the night at a local bar. Then, according to the woman, Lohan attacked her when she asked for the actress to take a drug and alcohol test.
What kind of rehab allows patients to go and get leathered on pitchers of booze? Our kind of rehab, that’s what.
However, Lindsay is flat-out denying all this. The woman in question – chemical dependency technician Dawn Holland – looks like she could be something of a fibber.
Apparently (and this is Lohan’s version of events), Lindsay wasn’t even with her roommates for the incident, rather, she was out getting her hair done. Remember the days when she used to get snapped in lesbian clinches with needles dangling from her veins? Remember that? That was fun. Now she’s like a pensioner getting her hair done as a nice treat. How dull.
Slightly more interesting is that Lindsay is saying that Dawn Holland actually grabbed her and shoved her so hard that it made Lindsay cry. So forceful was the shunt that Lindsay called 911 because, y’know, the police force haven’t got anything better to do that console crying actresses who have been ‘pushed quite hard’.
Lindsay is confident that the witnesses that were present and that whirring surveillance cameras will prove her story.
There’s also mutterings about this Dawn Holland character. It is reported that, when she got divorced last year, her husband is on record as saying that he was beaten up by her.
The husband claims she
“lost control, broke up a lot of my personal property and attacked me, kicking me in the leg and causing a contusion.”
Contusion, if you are wondering, is a posh word for ‘a bruise’.
So what have we learned in all of this? The first thing is that Lindsay Lohan may well be cleaning up, but she’s still a magnet for shit and therefore, unlikely to stop being the queen of trash any time soon. Secondly, and most importantly, is that people in America are more feeble than an ageing field vole who is waiting to die.
And yes, we will say that to your faces. And we’ll give you that most dreaded of all things – a shove or a contusion. OR BOTH.
You soft shits.
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slongo says
You made me chuckle. Out-loud. At 6:00 am. An aging field vole waiting to die. There, you made me do it again.