They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting the results to be different. If that is the case, there is nothing more insane than expecting the judicial system to finally punish Lindsay Lohan ? the walking argument against capitalism that she is – for not being able to go an entire week without doing something that would put a regular person in jail. I dare you to become a suspect in no less than six different thefts and see how easy it is for you to get off.
But how could someone who so routinely flouts her receding fame to get out of seemingly open and shut criminal situations end up walking away with the lightest slaps on the wrists? How has she become such a successful criminal when jails are absolutely overflowing with the less successful kind? Because, obviously, she has honed her skills as a time traveling jewelry thief. Either that or our criminal justice system is a joke and treats the wealthy, famous, or powerful as if they are above the law.
I’m going with the first one though, as it is way less depressing. Plus it allows me to give you a few moments in history that I think have that distinctive Lohan touch.
July 19th, 64 AD ? Circus Maximus, Rome
The Heist: A simple task. As somebody who is essentially more famous for being a socialite than actually having discernible talent, it made perfect sense to send her back to a time where socialites ran everything. By pretending to be a Gaulish mute, she could make her way into Nero’s personal wine stores and return vintages that would be absolutely priceless in the current era.
What Went Wrong: Lindsay Lohan. After immediately drinking the wine, she forgot she was supposed to be mute. She angrily protested, in English, that the Romans were paying too much attention to that ?fucking Lucius Annaeus Seneca nobody? and, with the amount of class modern civilization has come to expect from her, proudly declared she could put on a better display using only her flatulence if anybody had a match. Sadly, for the multiple districts of Rome that would burn for the next six days, this was one time she wasn’t exaggerating.
April 12th, 1970 ? Apollo 13, Space
The Heist: Inspired by the fact Lindsay Lohan’s Wikipedia entry (12280 words) is longer than the entry of the heroic Apollo 13 mission (7289 words) that became the third group of astronauts to walk on the moon, it was assumed that she could stow away onto the shuttle, make it onto the surface, and steal the Space Nazis’ secrets from their secret base on the dark side of the moon.
What, you didn’t know about that?
What Went Wrong: Lindsay Lohan. Apparently, despite having a lengthy and more detailed entry on the most widely read encyclopedia on the planet, she was not a particularly capable astronaut. After getting quite drunk off of Billy Beer she brought with her, she angrily threw a glass container after realizing she wouldn’t be able to brag about this on Twitter. While it didn’t shatter in the Zero G environment, it made contact with important instruments that eventually lead to a change in plans for the astronauts.
The moon Nazis would just have to wait.
September 2nd, 1872 ? The Hague, Holland
The Heist: As, ostensibly, an artist, it was assumed that Lindsay Lohan would be able to make her way into the Mauritshuis and adequately appraise which works of art would be most valuable to return with to the present. It was assumed this would be easy to do, as the International Workingmen’s Association was in the middle of their fifth congress
What Went Wrong: Lindsay Lohan. After getting her hands on Rembrandt’s Anatomy Lesson of Dr. Nicoleas Tulp she accidentally made her way into a debate at the Hague Congress. Karl Marx and Mikhail Bakunin had put their differences aside in order to fight the bourgeois as a united group. However, Lohan pointed out that ? while both had a common goal ? the differences in the two ideologies would make it near impossible to coordinate. The Marxist belief in a worker run ?dictatorship of the proletariat? would immediately run counter with the anarchists belief that the state should be abolished entirely. She went on to say that the Marx’s desire for a hierarchical leadership to cause reform from within would undermine Bakunin and the anarchists belief in egalitarian revolutionary organizations…
You aren’t buying that are you? Okay, fine, she got black out drunk, lost the painting, stole Mikhael Bakunin’s horse drawn carriage, crashed it into Karl Marx’s, and then ran. Marx, believing it was Bakunin’s doing, expelled him and the two sides would argue constantly in college dorm rooms to this day.
November 21st, 1963 ? Dallas, Texas
The Heist: Using her skills as an actress, Lindsay Lohan planned to impersonate a museum official, make it into a highly secure display of important Texas jewels ? including the Yellow Rose of Texas – and make it out during the confusion of John F Kennedy’s successful campaign stop in Dallas.
What Went Wrong: Lindsay Lohan. At some point, possibly after her seventh Texas Tornado, she decided that her acting ability was so great she could probably pull off JFK instead of just a lowly museum employee. Oddly enough, after seducing and out drinking the president – it worked. However, in the three and a half hours she pretended to be John F. Kennedy, she managed to offend the CIA, the Soviets, the Cubans, three major mafia families, and every general above three stars. This worked out well for her, as the confusion allowed her to sneak into the museum, but it did not work out very well for the real JFK who by that point had sobered up and rejoined the parade.
Also the museum was actually a floral exhibit. Can’t win them all, Lindsay. I mean, unless you go to court apparently.
witchhunt says
holy fuck lol this might be the funniest thing ive read on a celebrity gossip site
you guys have been on fire lately
lolwut says
i think i can honestly say that I never expected to read an accurate critique of the split at the first international on a celebrity gossip site in an article about lindsay lohan. brav-fucking-o.
CyclopsWasRight says
i found this after Conan made a time-traveling Lindsay Lohan joke on his show yesterday !