Sun is in the sky oh why oh why would I wanna be anywhere else? Sun is in the sky oh why oh why, would I wanna be anywhere else?

These are just some of the lyrics that pop starlet Lily Allen wrote about London town, even though London is a city. But never mind her poor geography knowledge for now; we’ve got bigger problems to concentrate on.

As we’ve all seen in the newspapers, knife crime is currently depressing everyone in the UK and making pensioners believe all the yoof of today will stab them, so thank god that Lily Allen has oddly stepped in to save us all from being stabbed by an eight-year-old for a packet of sherbet. There is a god. And she seems to have three nipples.

Of course, Lily Allen can’t end knife crime on her own. You crazy fool, do you really think she’s going to walk up and down Oxford Street with a banner covering herself saying ‘Put down the knifes or I’ll record another album?’ Don’t be silly – instead she enlisted the help of the newly-elected bumbling mayor Boris Johnson.

She’s now officially been given the title of ‘first lady of cutting edge coolness’. Between them, they plan to combat the alarming rate of stabbings in London. Hopefully, they’ll both realise that there are other towns and cities in England and offer advice to those peasant places, too.

Writing on her blog, Lily initially said the following about the latest epidemic that is only really just being picked up by the media:

“We need a knife amnesty, we should put on a big concert to raise awareness and stop the violence. Boris, if you’re listening, call me man!”

Either very keen to meet her or completely strapped of any ideas of his own, the pair met for a consolation over Coco Pops and Ribena. After finishing the meeting with the singer, Boris Johnson commented:

“I welcome any constructive suggestions on combating knife crime and Lily Allen has already proved her commitment to help address this problem. I welcome her proposals and am keen to explore further how she can help us address this serious and distressing problem.”

We’re unsure if a concert is to be put on, but we do know that violent-sounding bands like 36 Crazy Fists, Death Cab For Cutie and Swedish electro outfit The Knife wouldn’t be invited to play. That would be so like totally ironic!