When you’re a dead famous celebrity type person, it is understandable that the paparazzi will follow you around everywhere you go. Hecklerspray frequently has this problem and has to employ a team of overweight and lazy body doubles to pose as us while we nip in for last orders at the takeaway.
Even minor celebrities end up in gossip magazines so that bored housewives and female students across the land can shriek at the top of their voice. “Oh my God! Helen from Big Brother Two shops in Primark like me. Wow we’re are so alike! It’s like we’re destined to be best friends forever,” while the magazines' editors see the pounds rolling in. But not everyone likes to have their photo taken, such as sour-faced Lily Allen who took rather odd lengths to stop it happening, only for it to backfire.
Walking away from an overpriced nightclub in London after a night on the piss will almost surely make you a prime target for photographers. We’ve seen constant photos of drunken young women falling over the invisible steps in the street whilst sobbing into their late night kebab. The morning papers have to be filled up by something you know.
Although we aren’t the most intelligent of folk, we are clever enough to realise that if you don’t want to draw attention to yourself, don’t create it. Such an example would be donning your Ku Klux Klan costume, walking to the nearest ghetto and shouting “I hate black people.” Lily Allen needs our advice, as she did that very thing – drawing attention to herself, not being a racist, obviously. So after leaving a trendy London nightclub with former Popworld presenter Miquita Oliver, Lily Allen decided not to run straight into a vehicle to whisk her away home. No, instead, she decided it would be much more subtle to be dragged alone the street in a giant carrier bag.
This makes us want to ask a couple of questions: 1) Where the hell do you buy a carrier bag that big? There’ll be serial killers across the country who could use something like that to neatly dispose of a body instead of chopping it to pieces. 2) Think of the homeless, Lily! Instead of nicking trolleys from Asda to chuck their things in, give the country's homeless one of those bags and everyone wins. We can do our shopping with a trolley that wasn’t used by someone crawling with the plague and they get to put all their shit in one place. It also makes us wonder 3) Why didn't Lily Allen want to be photographed. We’re sure it wasn’t through kind thinking and saving the photographer some film.
More than likely she just wanted to see her pissed as a fart because she's not allowed into America any more because she attacked a photographer once. In fact, maybe the bag was an anger management device. Maybe Lily Allen can’t control her anger to such an extent that she has to jump inside a bag to stop her lashing out at people like a feral Ewok.
With her American career pretty much fucked, we can think of one way that Lily Allen can gain some kind of work. Seeing as she genetically fucked, we suggest a topless photoshoot to show off her third nipple to all the fetishists out there. Actually, we don’t want to be turned off women forever.
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