Terrible news, readers. Kim Jong-il, has gone and died on us, leaving a rather small but impressive hole in the fabric of our world’s society. Seriously, he was a veritable Superman and we’ll never see his like again.
Of course, Kim Jong-il went by a variety of names. His people (lucky beggars!) referred to him as the Supreme Leader, as well as our Father, the General, Generalissimo, General Knowledge Round, Dear Leader, Mmm Leerdammer, I’m The Leader Of The Gang (I Am), Bodacious Kim and many other fabulous names
And now he’s gone and died because he was just too awesome to live. Let us look at his life and achievements.
As you know, Kim Jong-il could fly like a superhero and possessed the strength of 60 elephants. He was also a master of magic, spells and illusion (enemies would grumble with fear and confusion when faced with ‘Mister Rad – The Sacred Hombre’) who lead North Korea since the 1940s, despite only being 21 years old when he died.
‘The Bodacious Daddio’ was last seen in public at a music store with his son, Kim Jong-un who is suspected to take frontman duties in the veritable Status Quo that is North Korea. Of course, Kim Jon-il was an avid music fan, releasing a number of albums throughout his illustrious and totally cool life.
In 1967, he released with psychedelic masterpiece ‘I Can Totally Fly’, widely regarded to be the Sergeant Pepper of the Communist world. Through the ’70s, Kim Jong-il discovered disco and released a number of singles which topped the Korean charts such as ‘I Like Looking At Things‘, ‘My Tiny Little Spectacles‘ and ‘Juche‘ which contained that infamous lyric; “Live our own way; fight our own way; create our own way! A product reflects the face of the producer! So party with your pants off baby!“
In later years, Kim Jong-il would team up with famous guest-stars from the West. He performed a duet with Katie Melua on the song ‘If You Don’t Do As I Say (I’ll Kill You)‘, taken from the film ‘Kim Jong-il Is Really Great Isn’t He?‘. He also had a minor UK hit in 2004 after his successful appearance on Team America, with a club remix of ‘It’s A Bit Racist Saying ‘Ronery’‘, which of course, launched the career of rapper Pitbull.
A keen cook, Jongy also invented ‘the double bread meat sandwich’ or, if you prefer, the hamburger. Shortly before his death, it was rumoured that he was working on various culinary inventions like ‘water’ and ‘Kellogg’s Coco Pops’.
The ilmatic was also a keen writer, penning many romantic novels. This saw him getting the affectionate nickname in China of ‘The Barbara Cartland Of The East’. Of course, his biggest seller outside of Korea was ‘The Field Worker Always Maintains A Sufficient Standard Of Life With Pragmatic Arousal’ which, when said in the native Korean tongue, sounds like a crude version of the English vernacular ‘Chomp on my buttocks’ (imagine: ‘jampon mei bhu-taqs’) which owed for it’s success outside of North Korea.
Grooviest Dudiest was also blessed with the ability to leap over buildings, super strength, the ability to fly and of course, a knack for unhinging bras with one hand without too much fuss. It is said that, Superflyzilla was so sexy without his clothes on that he would levitate and simultaneously render any sane woman standing by immediately blind with arousal.
Kim Jong-il also played as centre-forward for his national football team, scoring 6,391 goals in 32 appearances. Alas, he was unable to play in the World Cup in 1966 and 2010 because of what The Great Leader Of The Pack described as ‘FIFA’s chilling bureaucracy’ for not allowing someone who could fly enter a World Cup final tournament. The 2010 team finished bottom of their group and were sent home to be killed by Kim Jong-il, which he duly did for ‘the good of the great people of Korea’ by erupting fireballs out of his ‘glorious anus’.
Kimmo was also the greatest golfer in the history of everyone ever, and in ’94, it was widely reported by Pyongyang media that Our Sweet Pappy shot 38 under par – with 5 holes-in-one – on a regulation 18-hole golf course. And that was the first time he’d ever played golf!
All this is unsurprising really, because Kim Jong-il was amazing since birth. His coming was forseen and signified by a passing swallow. He was delivered on Korea?s most sacred mountain, Mt. Paekdu and, at the moment of his birth, a bright star lit up the sky and the seasons spontaneously changed from winter to spring with rainbows decorating the sky.
Kim Jong-il. You were the illest of the il. Have fun trying to work out which of the above is based on official Korean documents concerning the life of The Suave Depressor.
Rashmi says
Ive just let out a little bit of wee reading that. Very funny.
Derp says
6,395 goals in 31 appearances, actually.
Lauren says
This is truly marvellous.
For some reason while I was reading it though, I couldn’t get The Saturdays’ chart-smasher ‘NOTORIOUS’ out of my head. Maybe it’s because so many of the lyrics apply to our Kim…?
Let’s make it his theme song. As Jessica Wright once said: “rest in peace” (because let’s face it, all dictators should!)