Normally a story about Leona Lewis falling off an animal wouldn't really strike us as anything that we?d class as news.
However we have to remember that it's the beginning of January and there is bugger all going on. It'll be a few weeks until we discover that an actor has been knocking off his PA on the side or a tape of someone doing an embarrassing sex act involving the use of a toaster and some needles surfaces.
But not all celebrities lead an over-the-top rock ‘n? roll lifestyle. Just look at Leona Lewis, for example. She's so devoid of personality that drawing a smiley face on your thumb and talking in a high pitched voice would be a more entertaining experience. In what we assume is a desperate PR exercise to show that she isn’t an utter bore, Leona Lewis recently rode a horse. But do horses love Leona Lewis? No. They apparently prefer to injure her.
Still, something is bugging us about the whole ‘Leona Lewis gets on a horse and falls off it’ thing. Would she deliberately do something so shocking and intentionally collapse to the floor? It is possible, but of course, reports say:
Lewis, 24, was taken to hospital where she was treated for suspected torn ligaments and given crutches. An insider said that she has been seen ‘hobbling’ near her US home. “She went to accident and emergency. It was pretty scary. She had quite a tumble,” the insider said.
Poor Leona Lewis. It seems that potential injury is everywhere for her at the moment. Not so long ago, she was quite happily drawing happy faces on her not very detailed autobiography when a bored member of the public decided to make the event more exciting. Perhaps he got a review copy of the book and didn't like it. But whatever the reason, he decided to punch her in the head. Maybe he took the lyrics to Bleeding Love a bit too seriously.
Still, ever the cynical bastards we are, the tale of Leona Lewis falling off a horse seems too innocent for us. Let us give to you our two conspiracy theories in what could have potentially happened to her that day. We think you\’ll be nodding in agreement.
1) Leona Lewis was trying to mate with the horse that injured her. Think about it, no amount of make up or airbrushing can make Leona look more like a human and less like a horse. She’s also a vegetarian, which gives our theory total credibility. Why would she want to eat her own animal kind and piss them all off when she can do that with her whiny voice?
2) Leona Lewis isn't a horse or a human, but a robot. Ever since winning X Factor, she does whatever she is told. Almost like everything has been pre-programmed into her mind, removing the ability to think for herself. Would any person consider themselves a musician if they were forced to pelt out ballad after ballad after ballad after cover version? Would Leona Lewis?s microchips explode if she was made to sing a song with a BPM of over 75? We?d like to put that theory to the test, but our e-mails have gone unanswered so far.
We said it was a slow news day.
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Fuck off wankers says
Do you cunts like little kids? Do you fuck them up the arse for fun? You all seem to enjoy that sort of thing. Fucking pervs.
dan says
leona elwis is so devoid of personality?
she wrote 8 of her albums songs…..hardley devoid of personality oh and she is actualli a really nice, funny yet quites shy girl who is actually realllllllly downt to earth….hency why james cameron loved working with her, whitney houston, clive davis, jordin sparks, beyonce, simon cowell, james horner, one republic and justin timberlake have all outspokenly said how much of a good person she is…she is a vegan and only wears vegan clothes-hardley someone who gets pushed about..and she just about happens to be the biggest female vocalist since whitney and mariah…and yes i think she will be bigger than xtina
fuck says
you obviously have to much time on your hand, maybe your just jelous that leona has a talent? dickhead.
Matthew Laidlow is a knob says
The guy writing this article is such a tool. I mean devoid of personality, so what stumbling out of nightclubs pissed as a fart and smoking lines of cannabis makes people interesting. I’m sure the horses would sooner sit on him. Leona is only destined for good things ahead of her unlike this jerkoff who can spends his life behind a desk with his PC and his silly, so called “inventive” opinions (like we aint heard this witty bullshit before), fucking acute minded pencil pusher!!!
BF says
Fuck off you total cretins
BF says
Total support these cretins need to get brain transplants
Maria says
How could yu talk about leona like this yu may be jealous shes the most well known loved person in the world at the moment, buh thats for yu 2 sort out. LEONA has so many ppl hu lve her so watch wat u say or ull have me 2 deal with SADO! xTHE UNIVERSE LOVES LEONA LEWIS!x
They're Not All Locked Up Yet says
Your humourous comments on your satirical website warrant nothing less than a painful death – possibly involving porcupine quills and Swarfega. Please change your site so that it only contains articles praising these minor celebrities to the skies. Re-naming it ‘www.celebrity-bumlick.com’ would be a good start. I WILL NOT REST UNTIL THE ENTIRE INTERNET IS GREY, UNIFORM AND PURGED OF SATIRE!!!!!!!
Bob says
As your name implies, you should lay low! That is the uttermost garbage article I have ever seen. Leona Lewis has personality and talent, she does not deserve your stupid comments, go back to school of editorial and learn how to write good stories.
MrTavMarie says
This is wrong on so many levels. I love Leona, and although her “lack of personality” (or the fact that she may have self-hate/racial issues) comes into question, it’s still terrible that she had that kind of accident.
vicki says
whooo! someones jealous! Leonas amazing, and has so much personality as you can see as shes getting more confident. Have you ever met her? many stars have and they love her (whitney, clive davis, simon cowell..) her autobiography tells so much about her, so i think you should find somthing to do with your time, as you obviously havent got a life to be turning a simple statement into a useless piece of writing. thanks for wasting my time, but Leonas amazing!
Buuhhh..... says
Well said, Vicki. The opinions of a crack addict, a Frank Butcher lookalike and a weirdly camp, eye-rolling bloke with his belt chaffing his nipples are clearly more valid than anyone else’s.
And thanks for the tip-off that Leona Lewis’s autobiography is about her. I had assumed that it would be a collection of limericks interspersed with diagrams of the Austin Allegro. Cheers.
The idea that it should only be permissable to write about people you have actually met could be limiting, though. My own celebrity blog would consist solely of stories about weathergirl Sian Lloyd and Henry Kelly.