So there we have it – your American Idol for 2010 is Lee DeWyze, the small-town boy with a big dream who…
Wait, what? Simon Cowell is leaving? Screw you Lee DeWyze, we’ve got actual celebrities to deal with here. That’s right, forget who won and lost American Idol last night (for the record Crystal Bowersox lost, possibly because she looks like she’s never brushed her teeth) because really the whole thing was about Simon Cowell stepping down as the American Idol judge with the second-stupidest hair after Ellen DeGeneres.
But don’t worry about Simon Cowell. You’ll still see him on his upcoming American X Factor show, and his new show on Oprah Winfrey‘s new network, and in that recurring anxiety dream you have about the snippy man with granny teeth who systematically destroys your self-esteem bit by bit. You know the one.
Maybe you’re wrong. Maybe the reason why American Idol has been so useless this year isn’t because all the contestants were so mediocre or because the themes were so uninspired or because Kara DioGuardi seemed to think she was worthy of any meaningful camera time. No, maybe you only thought that American Idol was hopeless because you were scared of saying goodbye to Simon Cowell.
For nine years, Simon Cowell has been the backbone of American Idol. Without his put-downs and eye-rolling and roadkill haircut and Tipp-Ex teeth, American Idol would essentially be a show about Randy Jackson being superfluous and Ryan Seacrest being an unmitigated twonk. In fact, Simon Cowell is so important to American Idol that last night the show rolled out the biggest gun available to say goodbye to him. That’s right – Dane Cook. AP reports:
The finale made the most of Simon Cowell’s last appearance as a judge. A film package recounting highlights from the Cowell years was shown and comedian Dane Cook came on stage to sing “Simon Says,” made up of the Brit’s barbed comments, and to crack a few jokes. “You have the honesty of Abe Lincoln and the charm of the guy who shot him,” Cook told Cowell.
Oh ha ha ha. Ahahaha. Ha. Dane Cook, how did we ever live without you? Oh, that’s right, we lived happily.
Still, don’t be too sad about Simon Cowell’s departure from American Idol. He’ll be back soon with X Factor, which promises to be so completely identical to American Idol that you may as well not actually bother watching it. So that’s something.
And, you know, congratulations or commiserations to Crystin Bakersox and Lee WeDizz – or whatever your names are – depending on whether you won or lost American Idol last night. We can’t really remember, even though the headline to this piece explains exactly who won. That’s how forgettable you both are.
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Izzy says
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
JEFF says
Listen to samples of Lee’s album and all his songs sound like dull boring christian music. Thank GOD for DVR, I only had to watch 7 minutes worth. That’s all I could stand.
Not 1 song from this entire season was worth relistening to.
NOT 1!!!!!
R.I.P. AI
jon trent says
American Idol, yeah right! The only real success has been Underwood and that is it. Can Clarkson get any bigger…yes she can!