Lana Del Rey is Apparently Really Bad in Bed

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A part of me is starting to think that, while Lana Del Rey really wants to be the female version of Kurt Cobain, she’s kind of becoming the female version of Kanye West: every time she gives an interview she spews a bunch of eye roll inducing garbage. Her interview with Complex magazine was no different.

Lana, who is apparently pulling a Megan Fox, since every time I see her, her face looks just a liiiiittttle different, decided to talk about all the industry dick she’s ridden and how it’s gotten her nowhere. I guess, unlike her song says, her pussy doesn’t actually taste like Pepsi cola.

Lana, who was apparently taking a break from crying about hard it is to be her and how much she wishes she were dead (just kidding, she totally brought all that shit up), was asked about her song “Fucked My Way To The Top”, had this to say:

It’s commentary, like, ‘I know what you think of me,’ and I’m alluding to that. You know, I have slept with a lot of guys in the industry, but none of them helped me get my record deals. Which is annoying.

That is annoying, Lana! How dare all those musician assholes mount you, then not even pass your number along to Pharrell!

In reality, I have two theories about Lana’s statement:

1) Lana Del Rey must be really bad in bed if she’s fucking a lot of industry guys and no one thinks that pussy is worth a record deal, or even to help a sister out a little. She might have a pretty mouth, but that doesn’t mean she knows how to use it.

Or,

2) She’s been fucking all the wrong industry guys. In the last few years, she’s been linked to Marilyn Manson, A$AP Rocky, and Axl Rose. It’s not 1998, so Marilyn Manson couldn’t do shit for you even if he wanted to. A$AP Rocky is most famous for fucking Iggy Azalea, so I can’t imagine he’s got many sick hook-ups, either. And, finally, there’s Axl Rose. If this were 1989, I’m sure someone might’ve given a shit that you were sitting on Axl’s leather face and maybe listened to your demo, but Axl Rose is about as relevant as I am to the fucking music industry these days.

Even though #2 seems more likely, I’m actually going to go with #1 for the reason why all her industry trysts never helped her get a record deal. Lana seems like one of those people that would totally starfish during sex and be all brooding and sad and talk about clouds and shit when it was done.

This is Lana Del Rey during sex:

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Comments

  1. Cassandra says

    Or option 3) she was saying she’s annoyed that people think she only slept with men in the industry to get to the top when really she was doing it for her own pleasure. Crazy, right? This article is irrelevant because your reading comprehension sucks.

  2. Pete says

    Crap article. Rose created timeless music which still resonates today. Therefore he’s still relevant. The only thing which is irrelevant is this shitty pointless ill informed article….