Look, we’ll square with you – we haven’t watched the new Lady Gaga Alejandro video yet. But we will.
Any second now. We’re excited to see what it’ll contain, though. If Lady Gaga’s previous videos are anything to go by, it’ll be needlessly long, artfully composed and stuffed to the brim with gratuitous product placement – maybe in the Alejandro video, Lady Gaga will drink some delicious Pepsi or high-five the manager of her local Nando’s. We just don’t know.
But we will. Oh, we will. After the jump, we’re going to watch the Lady Gaga Alejandro video and you’re going to watch it with us and we’re going to select the ten best bits from it. Deal?
OK, make yourselves comfortable. Here’s the Lady Gaga Alejandro video, all 19 and a half poxy hours for it. Don’t forget to waggle your feet every few minutes so you won’t be killed by a blood clot or anything…
You made it! Long, wasn’t it? But don’t worry if you passed out from lack of sleep about halfway through – you’re only human after all – because we’ve digested the whole video down to its ten best moments. Ready?
LADY GAGA ALEJANDRO VIDEO SCENE 1
Oh hang on, we seem to have made a mistake here – we must have accidentally typed ‘Terrible 1980s Ukrainian Riverdance pastiche’ into YouTube by accident. Whoops.
LADY GAGA ALEJANDRO VIDEO SCENE 2
Hello Lady Gaga, you’ve got something on your face. No, not there. Up a bit… up a bit… look, it’s the fucking tea strainer you’ve got plonked over one of your eyes. Sort it out, love.
LADY GAGA ALEJANDRO VIDEO SCENE 3
Actually, don’t worry about it Gaga – trusty old Topless Bondage Policeman Puppet will come and take it off for you. Once he’s escaped from the location of the photoshoot for the first album by The Verve, that is.
LADY GAGA ALEJANDRO VIDEO SCENE 4
Some gratuitous bumming, there. And who can blame them? After all, giant projected images of mass riots really get us going as well.
LADY GAGA ALEJANDRO VIDEO SCENE 5
Oh thank goodness, Madonna From 1992 is here. Help us, Madonna From 1992 – Lady Gaga’s gone mental. She covered up one of her eyes with a tea strainer, and then she made a policeman take off his clothes and dress up in a silly hat, and now she’s making a bunch of men bum each other and she’s…
LADY GAGA ALEJANDRO VIDEO SCENE 6
What’s that, Madonna From 1992? You want to bum a man as well? Well, we don’t really see how that could physically work, what with your female genitals and all but if that’s… oh, OK, you’re doing it anyway. Fine. Ignore us.
LADY GAGA ALEJANDRO VIDEO SCENE 7
OK, now we get it. All this is because it’s Lady Gaga’s birthday – look, there she is being given the bumps. In case you were wondering, her party has a ‘weird load of fucking shit that doesn’t make any sense’ theme.
LADY GAGA ALEJANDRO VIDEO SCENE 8
Oh thank goodness, now Madonna From 1990 is here. Hopefully she’ll be able to clear up the mess caused by Lady Gaga and Madonna From 1992. If she doesn’t, we’ll have no choice but to call in Madonna From 2010, and nobody wants that – she’s a real bruiser.
LADY GAGA ALEJANDRO VIDEO SCENE 9
Finally! Something that everybody can relate to – after all, who hasn’t ever put on their special gun bra and danced around with a load of gay Nazis? We sure know we have.
LADY GAGA ALEJANDRO VIDEO SCENE 10
In case you’ve ever wondered how to hold the attention of several gay-looking Nazi Moe Howard clones, the answer is tits. Again, that’s tits.
You’re welcome, the internet. You’re welcome.
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Frank says
hilarious!
Ria says
1:52 – John? John Barrowman? Is that you?
hannah says
omg..brilliant. i am now your biggest fan!
salvo says
Glad I’m not the only one who thought that was bunch of Mos dancing or is it grinding around there. Her videos are obviously usually not literally related to the actual song lyrics really. I mean duh! Not only that but unlike most “songs” on the radio by today’s other recent “artists” she doesn’t sing or rap about jumping peoples bones nonstop like they despite the her suggestive racy videos.
andrew silvestri says
this lady gaga is mental case shes headed for the lonney house she can sing in the nut house people should ban tis low life
light says
I LOVVVEEE <3 this video. Stunning. It's a tribute to Madonna. And although i believe in God, it's an intelligent attack on organized/oppressive religions which i do not like :-)