Getting headbutted by Kiefer Sutherland would be amazing – it’d be like Rembrandt painting you a picture.
Because Kiefer is a master headbutter. Sure, it’d be better if he tied you to a chair, put your feet in a bucket of water and electrocuted you with a cable torn from a standard lamp but that’s hardly practical on a day-to-day basis. No, Kiefer Sutherland’s headbutt is the perfect expression of form and content.
The Manhattan District Attorney’s office realises this, so it won’t be prosecuting Kiefer Sutherland for allegedly headbutting that guy back in May. What a heartwarming story. About headbutts.
You’ll remember the incident a couple of months ago when Kiefer Sutherland allegedly headbutted fashion designer Jack McCullough for barging into Brooke Shields at a party. Specifically you’ll remember it because the close proximity of the words ‘Kiefer Sutherland’ and ‘Brooke Shields’ in a news story made you think that you’d travelled back in time to the 1980s, and you got nervous because it meant that Corey Haim would be famous again.
Well, back then things looked pretty dicey for Kiefer Sutherland. He was charged for the incident and, thanks to his ongoing parole following his DUI conviction in 2007, there’s a very good chance that Kiefer Sutherland would have found himself back in jail if he was found guilty.
But the good news is that Kiefer Sutherland won’t be found guilty of anything because the Manhattan District Attorney’s office has decided not to prosecute him. People reports:
“We declined to prosecute after a full investigation,” Manhattan District Attorney spokeswoman Alicia Maxey Greene tells PEOPLE of the highly publicized alleged cranial collision with a New York fashion designer in May. “That included speaking to the complaining witness, who was quite uncooperative.”
Why was Jack McCullough being so uncooperative about prosecuting Kiefer Sutherland? There are a number of options:
1 – He realised that Kiefer Sutherland was only acting to protect the honour of a woman, which gave the incident a moral integrity that he couldn’t defend himself against.
2 – He made up with Kiefer Sutherland shortly after the incident and they both released a joint statement apologising to each other.
3 – He realised that being headbutted by Kiefer Sutherland would mean that he’d never have to pay for another drink ever again, and when he looks back at his life he’ll see that it was easily the coolest thing that had ever happened to him.
4 – He was uncooperative because Kiefer Sutherland had pinned him to a sofa and threatened to gouge his eyes out with a biro while muttering “I’m gonna enjoy this” in a slightly irresponsible way.
Any of these could feasibly be true. Especially the second one because that’s what happened, but any of them could feasibly be true.
Sadly, this is bad news for 24. Had he been convicted, Kiefer Sutherland was planning to set season eight in the world of fashion, where he’d spend 24 heart-pounding hours running up and down a catwalk shooting hundreds of fashion designers in the face. But now he’s not even going to be prosecuted, he’ll probably just go back to beating up brown people again.
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