Yes, you read that right.
Don't get too excited, though – we're not breaking the news about some ultra-exciting upcoming 24 plotstrand in which Jack Bauer travels to a parallel universe and administers a sound beating to his evil alternative self. Although – if any 24 writers are reading this and would like to use that idea – we'd like payment in sixty thousand unmarked one-dollar bills please. And a bag of chips.
No, we're just teasing you with our headline-twistin' ways, that's all. The actual story is that – on a drunken night out with pals – Kiefer Sutherland has admitted to destroying a valuable Jack Bauer action figure by tearing it limb from limb.
Still. 'Kiefer Sutherland midly enjoys dismembering approximations of own self' wouldn't have been quite as catchy a lead-in, now would it? And then we'd lose all our readers and die lonely and heartbroken like the man crying over his burnt-down house in that Fire Safety advert.
Anyway. The story. A brand new Jack Bauer action figure is due to hit shops later this year, which should prove exciting to a) pre-pubescent 24 fans and b) 45-year-old virgins called Nigel who live with their mother. Apparently, though, the figure would have been ready a lot sooner if naughty old Kiefer Sutherland hadn't gone and destroyed it.
He told National Enquirer:
"They tried to come out with one a couple of years ago and they sent it to me for my approval. We took the doll out for a night to have some fun and we'd had some drinks. We sat it on the corner of the table. We started torturing him around 11pm and by 2am we set him on fire in the parking lot. We got up the next day and there was just this puddle of wax. His clothes didn't burn, which I thought was pretty cool. Then I got a call the next day saying, 'Did you like the doll?' I said, 'Yeah, it was great.' And they said, 'Well OK, good, you've got to send it back to us because that was a prototype. It took the guy a year to make it."
hecklerspray shares Sutherland's pain. We still remember the 'Black Monday' of our childhood – the day when we pinned all the Manta Ray figures to the radiator using their magnetic feet, only for our mum to turn the heating on and melt the poor bastards like some Japanese wartime atrocity.
But you know what? Despite our earlier sneering, we're actually intrigued to see what this Jack Bauer figure looks like. Especially if it's based on his Season Six incarnation – presumably with a drawstring that lets him recite catchphrases like "I just can't do this anymore," "dear Christ, when will this end" and "someone please help, I'm on the verge of killing myself."
It'd be like a miniature Jo O' Meara.
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still waiting says
No – I want a Series 2 Jack Bauer where you have to inject him with heroin over and over again to stop him getting mad and beating people up
magic8ball says
I guess the “Kiefer Sutherland enjoys torturing Christmas trees” headline has already been done to death – this makes a good follow-up.