There are many ways a girl can make sure her wedding day is as sacred and special as she ever dreamed.
There are ways like only giving invites to close friends and family. Also, she could get married in the secrecy of your father's dank basement, where most guests won't know to worry about black mould, and the luckier kids will get to see a real betamax tape. Yes, that'd be a sure way to retard the advances of unwanted paparazzi.
Nicole Kidman, however, doesn't need our advice – no she doesn't. To see that her upcoming nuptials with her gallon-hat wearing groom are especially memorable, she's gone and rented every single helicopter Sydney's ever manufactured, imported, borrowed, painted, driven or sold. And that's a lot of helicopters.
Nicole Kidman and her boot-cut jean wearing fiance aren't doing the paparazzi any favours. Apparently the two've forgotten that even low life scum sucking bottom dwellers have families to feed, and this famous pair of fiances'll be hornswoggled before putting any food on those dingy little tables.
Kidman's smart, you see. She's been married before, so she knows just what to expect – a million rented helicopters flying overhead, all vying for the best picture. And possibly crashing midair, sending flying pieces of spinning propeller into the long flowy part of her expensive white dress. Unconfirmed sources tell us that flowy part is called "the train".
So Kidman's taken all the paparazzi precaution she needs by renting out every single helicopter her fair city of Sydney has to offer. One helicopter guy who works in the area said of the Kidmans:
"They were concerned about what access paparazzi could get."
Thanks helicopter guy. Another Aussie flyboy said:
"Miss Kidman is making a very smart move in the circumstances."
Well if it's good enough for some of Australia's top aviation mongers, it's good enough for us. Let's keep those skies clear of everything but several wisps of cloud and that gaping hole in the ozone!
The Kidman-Urban wedding is supposedly set to take place on June 25, and under the cover of darkness no less. The couple have agreed to release two pics to the public and press. Other than that, good luck photographers, sounds like you'll all need it.
hecklerspray, on the other hand, is taking the gentleman's route – we're leaving the pair alone on their most hallowed of days. Yes, since we're still stuck in a Namibian lion's den where we've been pinned in by a 200 lb nursing lioness and twelve horny ferrets, we'll not bring ourselves to the low low level of barging into a wedding where we're not wanted. And with every chunk this mighty she-cat rips from our yet-living legs, we wish the Kidmans luck all-the-more. And we wish for antiseptic.
Billy, if you're reading this, we're gonna need our crutches. All of them. They're in the umbrella bucket. The one by the closet.
[story by Shawn Lindseth]