I hate to come over all Daily Mail on your arse, but these bloody foreigners coming over here are a right pain. Taking advantage of our free healthcare, claiming our benefits, taking our jobs, providing wanking material for our teenagers, drinking our gin…
Wait ? what was that second to last one? No, there hasn't been a sudden influx of hot young things from Central Africa clogging up our immigration centres with their moans about ?state sponsored brutality? or ?human rights infringements? or whatever. It just turns out that professional teenage-pants botherer Katy Perry apparently wants to get all British citizenshipped up after she marries that human equivalent of a crack-whores dirty bedroom, Russell Brand.
Apparently she's taken to British life, and presumably isn't fazed by the mandatory teeth-mangling, or forcible addition of the letter U from a bunch of words, or the compulsory teenage pregnancy that She'll have to endure before we give her a passport.
Anyway, the Sun informs us ?after presumably locking its work experience boy in the closet long enough – that:
Katy said: “When I get married next month, one of the first things I’ll do is apply for dual citizenship.”I’m not too sure if I have to take a test as I’ve not had time to look into it. But England is like my second home.”
This isn't the first time it's happened, of course. Madonna famously married her mockney and came over, professing her love of English beer and killing English pheasants. Hers ended up with a messy divorce and schtupping guys who could be her grandchildren (and who are apparently suffering from a chronic version of paresthesia to prevent them from curling up in the foetal position whenever they come into contact with her beef-jerky style skin).
That's all unlikely to happen to Perry and Brand however, as even if they reach the statistical average length of a UK marriage of 11.5 years, then She'll be on the lookout for some very concerned-looking boys that will just be starting Big School.
Actually, that's quite possible. I've seen some of her videos -with the sound off, in a darkened room, obviously, I'm not mad enough to listen to her ? and she seems like the kind of corporate designed sex kitten that would clearly almost sleep with anyone.
And, more to the point, anyone prepared to see a Russell Brand fully naked in front of them and resist the overpowering urge to drown him in a cold, tin bath full of hydrofluoric acid, has probably lost touch with any degree of rational sexual standards. So in the event that they divorce, she would simply become a rampaging ball of sexual id that would boff anyone and anything that came into contact with it. Kind of like a 2005-era Russell Brand come to think of it. That would essentially mean that the world will have lost one priapic idiot, and gained one of the opposite sex.
Strange how life works out sometimes, isn't it?
Cheri says
Wow. You’re an asshole.
hoohaahee says
@cheri
why exactly is the writer an “asshole”? I won’t even point out the obvious irony of criticizing a COMEDY ARTICLE on a COMEDY WEBSITE.
Also, if you do read this: YOU are an arsehole.