Katherine Heigl is well known for violently hating everything she’s ever been involved with, to which the logical answer is obviously death.
That was thought to be the reasoning of the Grey’s Anatomy team, anyway – sick of listening to Katherine Heigl bitch on about everything all the time like the dreadful donkeymouth she certainly appears to be, rumour had it that they were going to kill her character off in the most painful, degrading, mean-spirited way possible.
Sadly that’s not the case. An ABC bigwig has come forward to publicly declare that Katherine Heigl is going to live forever, more or less. On Grey’s Anatomy, at least – for all we know someone might push a piano out of a helicopter onto Katherine Heigl’s head tomorrow. By the way, if that actually happens, we had nothing to do with it. We looked into it and helicopters are impractically expensive.
Remember when Katherine Heigl was voted everyone’s ideal girlfriend? Who the hell voted for that? Katherine Heigl would be a terrible girlfriend. Perhaps the worst girlfriend in the history of girlfriends. And it’s all down to her impossibly toxic attitude, which seems to equate ‘good old-fashioned honesty’ with ‘utter toe-curling obnoxiousness’.
You’ll remember, of course, the time that Katherine Heigl publicly tried to force her Grey’s Anatomy co-star Isaiah Washington off the show just because he was a teensy bit angry and homophobic. Or the time that she looked back on Knocked Up, the movie that made her famous, and slated it mercilessly. Or the time that she did exactly the same thing to Grey’s Anatomy.
It’s a habit, and people are getting sick of it. Especially the production staff on Grey’s Anatomy, if earlier rumours were to be believed. Rather than work with Katherine Heigl again, it was reported that Grey’s Anatomy was planning to murder her character by giving her a gigantic agonising brain tumour.
The rumours didn’t sound particularly feasible at the time – because if we wanted to kill Katherine Heigl’s character, we’d have her face attacked off by wolves, or have her spine obliterated after a 50-storey fall down an abandoned lift shaft, or we’d give her Ebola or we’d set her on fire and push her down the stairs or we’d drown her like a witch – and now it turns out they’re not.
Rejoice, single remaining Katherine Heigl fan! Your hero will live! ABC boss Steve McPherson told E! Online:
“She is absolutely staying with the show. She has an unbelievable storyline for her this year, which is really central to everything that is going to go on this season. Shonda is really excited about that; she’s the one who actually crafted that.”
Great, give Katherine Heigl exactly what she wants – that’ll cure her attitude problem, won’t it? They’re really not going to kill her off. They’re not even going to maim her a little bit. That’s just asking for trouble in our opinion.
The Grey’s Anatomy writers should at least write in the possibility of Katherine Heigl’s death. For example, it wouldn’t take much to end every episode with Heigl saying “Bye everyone, I’m off to see how long I can put my head inside a crocodile’s open mouth,” or “Are you all coming to my ballet recital over on the abandoned minefield tonight?” At least that way it wouldn’t be too hard to get rid of her after her next inevitable snotty outburst.
Yes, we’ve thought about this one quite hard.