Finally, after years of constant disappointment, Dancing With The Stars has booked its first real celebrity.
Kate Gosselin. We’re so excited! We’ve waited so long for someone to inject some genuine celebrity glamour into Dancing With The Stars, and it looks as if Kate Gosselin is going to be the woman to do it. Obviously by ‘genuine celebrity glamour’ we mean ‘witless screeching about how hard her life is’ and ‘up to 23 simultaneous terrible haircuts’, but it’s more or less the same thing.
Sadly, though, Kate Gosselin isn’t going to be the only contestant to appear on this year’s Dancing With The Stars. Some old duffer called Buzz Aldrin is also going to take part. Apparently he’s walked on the moon, whatever that is. Hey Buzz, back the hell off! This is Kate Gosselin’s time to shine, you hear?
Look, we know you’re upset that Kate Gosselin is still on television. We are, too. We were hoping, just as you were, that her messy public divorce would have taught her an important lesson about the downsides of fame, and that she’d spend the rest of her life grinding out a living in blissful anonymity. But that’s not the case at all – Kate Gosselin’s decided to sign up for Dancing With The Stars.
You might be wondering why it’s Kate Gosselin and not Jon Gosselin who’s been chosen to appear on Dancing With The Stars. Well, there are two reasons for that. First, because Kate is the most unpleasantly pushy of the two, and her management team probably won her the slot because they couldn’t put up with her shrill self-obsessed whining any more. And second, because Dancing With The Stars isn’t really Jon Gosselin’s thing. Instead he’s waiting to appear on a new reality TV show called Desperately Trying To Dry-Hump Women Who Are Clearly Out Of Your League With The ‘Stars‘.
So, other than Kate Gosselin, who’ll be appearing on Dancing With The Stars this year? You really want to know? What are you, stupid? Fine, here you are…
Pamela Anderson – Noted for her dancing ability. By which we mean she once sucked a man off and filmed it. That’s the same as dancing, isn’t it?
Jake Pavelka – Literally the only human being less famous than Kate Gosselin. He doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page. Central Polish village Radziechowice Pierwsze has a Wikipedia page. Jake Pavelka isn’t even as famous as Radziechowice Pierwsze.
Evan Lysacek – Just won a gold medal at the Winter Olympics for Something That Probably Isn’t Even A Real Sport Anyway.
Erin Andrews – A woman who talks about sports for a living. Sort of like America’s Jim Rosenthal.
Nicole Scherzinger – The only member of the Pussycat Dolls who isn’t paid to stand at the back and look slightly mannish.
Chad Ochocinco – The only American footballer not to have his life turned into a sickly-sweet drama starring Sandra Bullock yet.
Shannen Doherty – A woman who once deliberately hung around Tori Spelling so she’d look less obnoxious and weird.
Aiden Turner – Probably most famous for appearing in Geri Halliwell‘s Bag It Up music video. This is not a lie.
Niecy Nash – Honestly not a clue. Frankly we’re surprised that you’re still reading this, to be honest.
Buzz Aldrin – Claims to have been among the first men in history to have set foot on the moon, which would make him a walking symbol of humanity’s indomitable spirit and constant urge to strive for greatness. But he hasn’t even got a reality TV show, the moron, so he’s probably not as good as Kate Gosselin.
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Robin says
Niecy Nash? Here in the states she’s the STAR of a show called “Clean House”, where they go into filthy houses, she yells at the home owner, flashes her big smile, and then has other people clean the house. She returns with a low cut blouse and yells “It’s REVEAL DAY” and then the shows the clean house. Its a great show if you like watching people dirtier and messier than you.
She was also on a show called Reno 911, one of the cable channels. The only scene i remember is her walking on the beach – all you see is the top of her in a bathing suit. Then it shows a flash to her backside and she’s wearing a thong and has the LARGEST EXPOSED derriere I’ve ever seen. I think she’s a cop.