Still, they've at least given us enough warning to book our rocket ship so we can picnic on the moon whilst watching the world implode. But if you can't do this, what do you do?
Thankfully these religious nutjobs are always wrong and we survive another day whilst they scurry away to the local off license. Now a more high-profile idiot has emerged to literally put the fear into us all. Kanye West is convinced that God chose him. we're not exactly sure for what, but if it's for being a gimp, the choice was perfect.
When performing for the VH1 show Storytellers, Kanye said that he aimed to be ‘the best’. We can deal with this; he wants to plague us with hippity hop beats and rhymes all about digging for gold and other things that everyone in the world can relate to. But of course nothing is simple with this man and everything has to go one step further. He went on to say:
“God chose me. He made a path for me. I am God’s vessel.”
Erm?so does that mean that Kanye West is Jesus? A modern-day man who has been briefed and instructed to inject the word of God into every living man, woman and child? Maybe that?ll explain all of his strange behaviour that we've seen on planet earth. Perhaps God took control of his feet and forced him to wreck Justice?s speech when they whooped his ass at an awards show ceremony.
It's also interesting to work out what sort of vessel Kanye will use in the future to deliver his messages to us. As most of us know, Noah was asked to build a big ark so all the animals in the world could survive when it lashed it down with rain. That’s been done now. The major players at The Vatican will simply laugh themselves out of their dresses if Kanye rolls up with a tricked out Ark.
He has to get original and creative fast. Flicking back through The Bible we do have a few suggestions to help him out. We don't like to see a brother in peril. The most religious fruit you can get is the apple. Or if you're a raging drunk, the grape which make lovely wine. The apple is what screwed over Adam & Eve, so perhaps he can make a giant Granny Smith out of timber to roll in.
If apples aren't his game then what about a giant fish? It's a symbol of Christianity and goes down well with a few chips and mushy peas on a Friday night. Seeing a giant cod or salmon flapping down the street would defiantly get our attention.
Whilst we failed our GCSE exam in sticking bits of wood together, we can help put on one of his other problems. Kanye also said his ‘greatest pain’ in life was that he will never be able to see himself perform live. That one?s easy Kanye.
We have things called DVD recorders. The next time you play a gig somewhere and its broadcast on the TV, we promise to record it and send it you. Bingo, instant disciple status.