Kaley Cuoco got married on New Year’s Eve to the dude she’s been barely banging for half a year. She decided to say “screw it” to even more tradition, and vetoed the white dress as well. It’s cool, we all know there were no virgins getting hitched that day.
Ah, whirlwind romances. Aren’t people rushing to get married before they even know how bat shit crazy someone truly is just adorable? Especially in Hollywood where marriage is taken just oh so seriously!
Not too long along, people were snickering at the totally staged “relationship” between Haley Cuoco and that hot piece of steel ass, Henry Cavill. It lasted about as long as the flu, but was filled with plenty of not at all set up photo ops. You could just sense the lust between the two as they held hands while maintaining a very cordial 2 foot distance between their bodies. It was all about as believable as Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes being couch jumping in love (C’mon, we all know Suri is Chris Klein’s baby. Just accept it.).
Anywho, after that short term contract ended as quickly as it started, Cuoco soon started dating some random dude named Ryan Sweeting. I had to do a little Googling to learn who this guy is, and apparently he is a professional tennis player. My knowledge of male tennis pros are extremely limited, like 4 or 5 guys, and let me just say while Sweeting isn’t unappealing to look at, he is no Rafael Nadal. Mmm. (Side note, during my search I also discovered Fernando Verdasco. You’re welcome.) But yea, so Sweeting does have his own career and money and isn’t just some scrub nobody that ends up marrying someone famous and leeching off their royalty checks.
After just 3 months of committed boning, the two got engaged. Of course, we all know what quicky engagements/marriages usually mean, but Cuoco was quick to tell everyone to shut their fucking pie holes.
I would like to make something very clear to anyone who cares. IAM NOT EFFING PREGNANT. Do with that what you will.
— Kaley Cuoco Sweeting (@KaleyCuoco) November 10, 2013
I know I wasn’t the only one waiting for the big reveal to still happen in the following weeks, but they didn’t. So, this wasn’t a rush to head down the aisle before upsetting someone’s Catholic Great Aunt Mary, who would rather see you waddle down the aisle to a dude you barely known rather than bring shame onto the family with your dirty sins and bastard child. Of course, religious Aunt Mary also has an addiction to the slots and liters of Franzia boxed wine, so take her opinion with a huge grain of salt.
And just a couple more months after the quick engagement came the quick nuptials. And on New Year’s Eve, because who doesn’t want to waste prime champagne chugging time watching two people quote 1st Corinthians and eat mediocre poached salmon. Kaley got her Steel Magnolias on and brought a little “blush and bashful” into the day by wearing a Pepto Bismol dipped wedding gown designed by Vera Wang. Cuoco probably paid out the ass for the dress, and while nice, is nothing I haven’t seen before in the discount prom section at Sears. But hey, if she and her oddly to tall for her man are happy, who am I to judge..
While the Big Bang nerd inside has a little broken heart still that Kaley didn’t end up marrying Johnny Galecki, I do hope Cuoco is happy. And that she signed an iron clad prenup. TBBT is on like a million times a day. Chick will be raking it in until she’s 80.