Justin Timberlake ain't good for much. Sure, he can rip patches of clothing off soon-to-be fat black women, write the most annoying McDonalds catch phrase ever, and not date Britney Spears anymore, but really, what's that all add up to? Nada – it all adds up to nada.
On the up & up, however, Timberlake seems to have a deep lying distaste for the American Idol franchise – more specifically its newest champion Taylor Hicks. Suddenly we find ourselves more or less aligned with T-lake, and it's got us completely baffled. This alliance could be crucial, because as we've said a million times – that American Idol show's gonna kill us all. There will come a time when American Idol updates on every single morning news show every single morning will spark a global war that will flow like grapes in wine country. The Idol lovers and haters will be at each other's throats – just you watch.
Now when that day comes, and hecklerspray finds itself mortally wounded and dying in Justin Timberlake's cradled arms, we hope he's got the sense of mind to sing us SexyBack in whisper voice. Now that's a warrior's death!
So Justin Timberlake, the cotton-headed tyke we've watched grow from a kid on The New Mickey Mouse Club to to a kid who used to be on The New Mickey Mouse Club, well he hates Taylor Hicks. And that's a real shame too, since Hicks exudes so much southern charm. That's what you call it, right?
Apparently this boiling contempt has really been pent up, because Justin Timberlake opened his mouth just a little bit, and it all came spouting out. Here's a whole bunch of his derogatory remarks regarding Hicks:
"…the guy who won–people think he looks so normal, and he's so sweet, and he's so earnest, but he can't carry a tune in a bucket."
Then he up and said:
"If he has any skeletons whatsoever, if God forbid, he's gay, and all these people in Mississippi who voted for him are like, 'Oh, my God, I voted for a queer!'"
And then he went:
"Still, I'd very much like to see [Taylor's] chest."
OK, we made up that last quote, and Justin Timberlake's only talking slave Ken Sunshine says the other two have been taken way out of context. He went as far as saying Timberlake "…meant no harm" by his can't carry a tune in a bucket comment, and that Timberlake: "…is totally amped to read Hicks' impending biography 'Heart Full of Soul'."
Ok, that last quote's a fake too, but we bet Justin Timberlake's all pumped for the Taylor Hicks' life story. We are too. A friend of our claims he already saw a few pages – here's a very summarised excerpt:
"…and when I finished repeatedly making love to Counselor Troy again and again and again for the umpteenth time, I knew it was up to me to unite the federation against the impending Klingon threat. I decided to do all that in my blue robe."
That's just a little teaser for ya. It hits shelves not-soon-enough.
[story by Shawn Lindseth]