Earlier today, Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel were united in wedded bliss, and I am left to wonder: is anyone else desperately disappointed that Britney Spears didn’t crash the wedding?
Britney must be pretty stressed out this week with outrageous allegations of her amphetamine use and all-around craziness made public during the court case between her parents and her former manager, Sam Lufti … he of the creepy white-man soul strip.
Deep in our hearts, we all know that Britney and Justin are meant for each other. Jessica is gorgeous, but way too prissy … and Britney’s douchey fiancé is obviously a front to appear respectable enough to get control of her money back from her dad. Wouldn’t it have been beyond fabulous if Britney had stormed into the church … Graduate-style but with a bald head and with a giant snake coiled around her body … to reclaim the man who took her coveted virginity so many years ago?
Sadly, it didn’t happen. But the wedding did and J.T. is probably penetrating the maidenly Jessica as we speak. Wedding guests include Jimmy Fallon, Andy Samberg (imagine what his gift was!), and music producer Timbaland. No one else important.
So far, only one of Justin’s ‘N Sync bandmates, Chris Kirkpatrick, has been cited in attendance. The happy couple was probably disappointed that Fat Joey was eliminated so quickly from Dancing with the Stars: All Stars … hoping that they could gracously invite him, knowing that he couldn’t make it. But that seemed to work out okay. Lance is undoubtedly busy having sex with tons of men. No one cares about J.C.
Jess-tin’s wedding festivities began on Wednesday with guests being regaled with parties, live music, fireworks, and fancy beachfront get-togethers. One wonders why they had to drag all of those poor people all the way to fucking Italy, since they are both born and bred Americanos … we do have fireworks in America … but perhaps they strive, as we all do, to follow in the footsteps of amazingly successful celebrity couple, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, who were also married in Italy, also with no legitimate ties to the location.
Cheers to the new Mr. and Mrs. Timberlake! May they rock each other’s bodies all the days of their lives.