Infant prancer, Justin Bieber, is to take a month off work, meaning that, by the time August is up, he will have taken half of his life off as a holiday, which is quite astonishing and welcome news to anyone who is in possession of at least one crude hearing receptacle on their head.
In fairness, Bieber has been working incredibly hard doing things like growing finger nails, developing his speech to such an extent that he can ask for his ‘din dins’, and we shouldn’t forget that he’s managed to scowl at women who want an abortion after they’ve been raped.
But what has a Baby Whisperer translated JB’s gurglings to mean? Apparently, it involves God. Could Bieber be leaving music to go where the real money is, by starting up a cult?
The foetal hitmaker has hired a series of superstars to collaborate with him on his upcoming record. He’s hanging around with some of music’s pillars of the community.
This includes Kanye West who made Taylor Swift cry and announced to the world that he’d fallen in love with a porn star, as well as Chris Brown who thought it might be okay to repeatedly punch Rihanna in the face over and over again ’til she looks like the offal bucket in a butchers.
Hanging around with these guys, Bieber hopes, is going to help him mature.
A Baby Whisperers informs us that Justin says:
“I’ve been working so hard, I’m taking a month off. It’s been great to just think and enjoy hanging out with my friends.”
And this is where God comes in.
“I’m still growing up, and when you’re working every day, you don’t really get a chance to figure out who you are. So with the time off, I’m able to think, pray and just kind of grow up.”
He’s going off for a nice pray to a false God, who, with any luck, will inform Bieber to set up a new religious so that his fans can become literal Beliebers, all ready to descend into the woods for a life of no abortions, hanging around with men who thrash women and a finer appreciation of porn stars, all destined to end in a firey death like David Koresh.
This could be brilliant and, with any luck, filmed in 3D like Bieber’s last film.
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Seth says
I literally cannot stop myself from laughing every article you guys write. Just wanted to let you know I love you guys. You make my days so much better. And now i’m off to find a way to end the ancient family lines of baby whisperers!