That’s probably a gross title about a 17-year-old’s masturbatory efforts – but like this whole yelling mean things at people on the Internet for a living thing, we’re running with it.
Justin Bieber has reportedly been telling people that he had some kind of affectionate, pandering, possibly homoerotic meeting with Robert Pattinson that only took place at a delay once Robert was done applying the delightful body shimmer sample handed to him by the lady at the make-up counter.
In what would have been the most random meeting ever, even with a fanbase the same age, Justin recalled meeting the Twilight actor and there was something in there about hair envy and wanting to be like the actor when he grew up.
From E! Online:
First things first, here?s what Bieber supposedly said. ?One day Robert Pattinson came up to me at a party and said, ?For whatever reason, people love our hair and it's always a great ice-breaker with girls,? ? Justin is quoted in The People. ?He is like, ?Hey my name?s Robert. Want to touch my hair?? I thought he was joking, but it really works.?
There are so many off-colour jokes we could make about that partial quote alone, but there are only so many hours a day to write poorly-worded penis jokes, so we’re going to have to skip right over that and add… the meeting never happened.
But according to R.Pattz, he has never even met Justin! And he was totally weirded out when he heard J.B. claim he got flirting tips from the Twilight star himself. When asked about the comments, Rob countered on Friday: ?I've never met this guy. I saw that as well. I was like, ?You're really famous, man?what are you doing? You don't need to use me to make up stories!??
The part about preening one’s self like a cross between a show pony and a contestant from Great British Hairdresser was kind of a giveaway. Yeah, totally never happened. It’s weird though. There are some horrifying dreams had by the writers of the hecklerspray hovel. But they’re usually about being chained to the radiator and fed only melted chocolate buttons… MELTED*!
So, yeah, that was? probably Justin’s last thought before a nocturnal emission that ruined perfectly good Spider-Man bedsheets.
*that was a cunning cry for help disguised as a jaunty anecdote about chocolately dreams. If you’re reading this, send help in the form of some more chocolate and someone to fix these clunking radiators that are keeping us up at night.
This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, who is currently chained to the sink in the bedsit bathroom. Send help.
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Sam says
Justin Bieber is lucky that mj is dead because he would have filled him to bursting point with jesus juice. That happened to the lad from home alone and now he’s nuts.
gaston willis says
Let him say all he can Mc Hammer never lasted, Mili Vanilli, Even Cindy had her drive by and she had us having fun. What was Usher thinking ? Bieber will get swollowed up just like Bow wow did and forgotten about faster than 3rd Base. This child can not sing. Qtips please music is going through some issues at the moment.
Max Perez says
Justin let keep pretending you are talanted. I heard a producer started a reality T.V. show with a bunch of losers from New Jersey who get drunk every night, live like piggs,beat each other up, air their dirty laundry no one is watching and have an IQ almost as high as a 2 year old Lab puppie. This is all it takes to be called a star today. Are we sure this whats the name again? is a star or are you a really famous, man and your not going to go like the others we can’t find today lolo ?
julia says
I’ve had a dream that junstin bieber died