Justin Bieber is really making it too easy to make jokes about him at this point. With a preternaturally smooth face that screams androgyny as much as it does ‘Please slap me,’ he’s released everything from nail polish to a women’s scent. If, by ‘women,’ he meant the people who paid for their tickets to see his movie entirely in 10 pence pieces.
The only thing slightly more preposterous than the release of quite so many concurrent women’s products is that book and movie deal – with so many trips to rehab and love children with other people’s wives under his belt, heck, he’s got one story to tell.
Except, oh. None of that ever happened. His entire story is based on closet lesbianism and a stupid shiny face. Nothing more.
With the life experience of a family pet behind him, Justin is beginning an empire of unrelated products aimed solely at extracting tooth fairy money from pre-pubescent girl fans. His latest product is named after the ‘secret’ file of JPEGs on every Belieber’s iPhone, ‘Someday.’ As in, someday, he’s going to need that restraining order.
Justin claims to have created the scent so he’d have an excuse for sniffing girls’ necks. We’re not even kidding.
He told Ryan Seacrest on Monday:
I want to be smelling the girl?s neck. I want to tell the girls what I like and what I think is? attractive to me. So I wanted to make a fragrance that I think will be appealing and make me want to chase the girl that I smell. It smells really good, not too strong; it's like a nice, spring, light smell.?
Yes, he really said that. And, no, the authorities have not been called.
Because his scent isn’t creepy enough in name and concept, it’s got an equally creepy advert to accompany it. In it, Justin’s supposed to be an asexual Peter Pan type who sexually harasses some model who’s spraying the product – the vague, subliminal context… buying his crap guarantees he’ll sleep with you.
Watch the advert below. You can do that and dial 999 at the same time, surely?
This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so three stinkin? cheers for that.
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Required Name says
You didn’t say what his scent was called. Someone set me up an excellent punchline.