8-year-old Justin Bieber has been spotted waddling around on a romantic stroll in Miami with someone called Selena Gomez. They’ve probably been kissing and giving each other dead-arms as they wrestle with these new feelings that feel like a stomach filled with ants wearing feather hats.
Of course, the three-week-old Canadian heartthrob has consistently denied that he’s having some kind of romantic fling with Selena, because as we know, popstars in love don’t prise the pocket money out of young women’s Glee purses nearly as efficiently as those who are ‘available’.
And so, when the 4-year-old Bieber realised that the couple had been spotted, he gallantly left her in the lurch leaving the 18-year-old Disney minion nervously playing with her hair and probably fighting back tears and muttering ‘what have I ever done to anyone?’.
Some pointless onlooker who has never even spoken a word to Bieber or anyone famous for that matter (apart from the time they took a table reservation from Y’Know? That Guy From The Infomercial?, said:
“They seemed to know they had been caught out and were quick to run off.”
Now we have an image of Bieber, scuttling like a crab and hissing at the sunlight like a wounded vampire, hiding away from those prying eyeballs of the plebbish population of Earth.
Naturally, us mere mortals were not to be defeated and followed him back to his tour bus where the couple sat stupidly in a window where we could all coo about Bieber gently resting his hand on her back.
HE WAS PROBABLY GOING TO UNDO HER BRA OR SOMETHING.
In fairness, the ten-and-three-quarters-years-old pop sensation isn’t able to maintain an erection at the moment. His tiny, undeveloped head is still filled with the harrowing images of his fans punching the blood from each other’s faces at a recent concert of his.
Bieber casually threw a sweaty towel into the shrieking throng and they all set on each other like rabid cats in a sack. It goes without saying that the audience was mostly comprised of teenage girls and they all started to claw at each others flesh after one unlucky fan managed to catch the stinking towel lobbed in her direction by the 7-week-old singer.
Justin tried to rectify the situation from stage, yelling:
“You can’t fight over it, don’t fight over it. Someone’s gonna get hurt. Let it go, let it go, let it go!”
Then, the cruel little shit had to stop singing ‘Baby’ because he was laughing so hard. Ladies and gentlemen… we’ve created a monster and Selena Gomez is going to be the first of many victims.
Pray hard.
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don't need ot know says
That is just stupid! 8, come on?
Akshay says
Stupid he’s 16 not 8 or 4!!Ha ha! What the fake!!
suzan says
any one will like to marry me i am very sexy!
Cookie Monster says
Priceless. Good to see that you made it through the first sentence. Some day, if you try hard enough, you’ll be a real person! Hurrah!
julie says
LMAOOOOO. grow the fuck up.CLEARLLLLYYYY ur 8 urself. stfu.
Don't care says
What the heck? This is soo stupid and sooo not true. And everybody who reads this know is not true.
And 8 year old?! What the heck?!
mo says
so lame. worst article EVER.
Sophie says
Ahh loved this :)
joellieeeee says
well, you know, at first i thought the joke was funny. but now he’s a 8 year old, 3 sentences later he’ s a three-weeks-old, 10 sentences later he’s 4. SOMETHIN AINT RIGHT!
flierpa says
i thought he was an embryo?
jolie says
hahahahahah!!! u made my day but u left me wondering, so is he 4 yrs old, 10 yrs old, or is he ten & 3 quarters?? i never knew that someone can b so many different ages hahaha!
Karly says
I always thought a GOOD journalist was supposed to write without personal preference. Clearly, in your article you have written and stated your preference. What happened to unbiasedness?
pshetty says
8??
seriously dude??
U R A COMPLETE MORON!!!
GET A LIFE!!!
Josh says
All you ppl have no sense of humor. Rotfl.
B says
99% of the comments were made by people that clearly do not understand humor, sarcasm and wit! I’m surprised you were all even able to read it. We KN OW he is not 8!!!! You know it, we know it, the writer knows it! ITS A JOKE and a very funny one too! It’s taking a spin and pointing out the fact that Beiber is clearly too young for the way the media/his management have dealt with his love life/celebrity crushes. They have maximized exposure on the fact that this little kid wants to play with woman not girls! But then again if you had an ounce of intelligence you would have understood that the article is not being SERIOUS about his age. Hence the constant change of it!
I love your articles, keep up the wit and dry sense of humor.
B says
99% of the comments were made by people that clearly do not understand humor, sarcasm and wit! I
Erick Andrew Gomez says
hey justin you look like your 10 years old just sayin.selena gomez should be mine little canadian boy.hahahahahaha.and stay out of selena’s shirt rapist.she’s mine.so is katy perry,rihanna,keri hilson,and taylor swift.
mrs.bibo bliebz says
hahahahahahaha me neither jolie
mrs.bibo bliebz says
ikr?first he’s 8 second he’s three weeks old then he’s 10 and 3 qaurter n thn he’s 7 weeks old tht girl is soooooo stupid n dnt knw wat to write she’s probably oh not probably obviasly the most stupid artical writer ever tht is if she knows how to write n i think tht she’s the one who’s 8 years ! and wow this is rlly funny i just cnnt stop laughing
Tina says
Mof, it’s a shame that someone with your level of talent is wasted on an audience too dim to appreciate you. i am a hardcore teenaged Bieber fan, but, unlike a small (but mind-blowingly embarrassing) portion of his fans, I am not blinded to the wit of (some of) the people who mock him
Kiko says
All of you people who are getting angry…
Why? Like…is it THAT serious?
He’s not a close personal friend of yours.
And even if he was, you should have a sense of humor about it.
Stop being stupid and sensitive…