Justin Bieber Goes On Tour! GNUUHHHH!
Are you an eight-year-old girl who enjoys making a noise like a burning orphanage whenever you’re excited?
You are? Oh boy, this is your lucky day. Justin Bieber – the 16-year-old pop sensation who either looks like a Bratz Zac Efron or the sort of grinning, big-eyed shell that the machines will house their killer robots in when it comes time to exterminate the humans, depending on how charitable you’re feeling – is going on tour! Exciting! Justin Bieber EXCITING!
It’s Justin Bieber’s first headline tour. We haven’t got a setlist yet, but we hope that Justin Bieber uses the tour to sing all of his songs about things that young people enjoy – like the song about Twittering, the song about Xbox Live, the song about taking pictures of yourself and posting them on Facebook and the song about going down the woods and finding a carrier bag full of porn.
There’s no point running away from it – Justin Beiber is probably the biggest star on the planet right now. He’s bigger than The Jonas Brothers because they’re all so old that they might as well be dead. He’s bigger than Lady Gaga because if she was any older she’d be Angela Lansbury and she’s bigger than Robert Pattinson because he’s a smelly old tramp whose about a million years old.
But Justin Beiber has it all – he’s young, he’s cute, he’s got a nice haircut, he sings songs about text messages… actually, that’s just about everything that Justin Bieber has got. But that hasn’t stopped every single teenage girl on the planet from plastering posters of him three inches deep across their bedroom walls. Yes, every single teenage girl – even the really poor ones who don’t have bedrooms and don’t know who Justin Bieber is. That’s just how hot Justin Bieber is right now.
And that’s why the announcement that Justin Bieber is heading out on his first-ever headline tour of America has single-handedly produced more involuntary tween urination since the great urethrovaginal fistula outbreak of 1978. The New York Daily News reports:
The teen-pop sensation’s North American “My World” tour will be the first time Bieber carries a tour on his own back. His opening act will be R&B singer Sean Kingston. Bieber, 16, will be performing songs from his second album, “My World 2.0.” He will be performing on “The View” on March 22 and 23, the only time a musician has ever performed twice consecutively on daytime TV.
These really are must-see dates. By our calculations, this will be the only time you’ll be able to see Justin Bieber live in concert before he grows pubes, gets dropped by his record label for being too old, and records an underperforming drug-influenced self-produced concept album that’s ostensibly about the cultural corruption of the indigenous rainforest people but is actually quite clearly a string of shockingly bitter half-songs about how much he hates the world now that he isn’t as famous as he used to be.
That, plus Justin Bieber is just about the only 16-year-old pop star on the planet who doesn’t wear a promise ring. You know what that means? Those concerts are going to be bone city.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter
I’m sick of all you people bad-mouthing Justin Bieber! sure he is the biggest pop sensation but you are just jealuos! get over it act more mature then him if you cant get over him!
whatever
We’ve found our first urinator.
you should just shut the fuck up and leave them alonethere is no need to be all so jelous its not like he likes you and the only reson he dont want to come back to nz is because you all over react over him and then get to excited so shut the fuck up and stop letting him down
people r so obsessed with justin bieber but listen up he is mine
Justin Bieber is fake and gay and needs to go through puberty.
first of all maria justin bieber is not a gay person like you ok so don’t talk about him that way got it and you are also a fake don’t talk about him so just don’t say enything got it.
Oh shut up. You need to stop being a jerk.
wowwwwww. real mature-like
bay you all need to grow up man fu#####ck
First off justin Bieber is not gay and is not fake my friend and i have met him in person so Ha he is real and he asked us out on a date so he is not GAY and yes we are Gilrs
justin bieber you are so cool and cute.
hey you are my faverit singer and u are hot lol:-)
look morgan justin is such a fake and he needs to stop singing he sucks very badly and stop being such a show off u cowerd
HE IS NOT FAKE CUZ IF HE WAS I WOULD HAVE NOT MET HIM AND HE IS THE BEST SINGER THAT I HAVE EVER HEARED AND MET
SORY I MET IF HE IS FAKE THEN I WOULD NOT HAVE MET HIM
F’n HILARIOUS article. Stu, you just may have a writing career waiting for you
This article is in extremely poor taste and should be taken down. What the heck is google thinking?? Is all the hate and reference to base bodily function actually necessary? This author needs help and the person who authorized its publication over the google site needs to look for a new job! Anyone who is unable to appreciate the innocence of youth (aside from pervs) should seriously consider an antidepressant medication and go home for 2 weeks until it starts to work.
first of all you are a big sicko suzzane if every one likes google so what’s up with you ha.
hey justin bieber i really love you for how you are and for your nice personality and that is only what i think about i don’t care what my friend says about you.
YOU’VE NEVER EVEN MET HIM!!! so u cant say “i like your personality” cuz u dont know his personality
people say you are a fake but don’t listen to them because i believe and so do all your fans.
JERK! Justin Bieber is a nice person who deserves a chance! He may not have hit puberty yet, bu that dosen’t change anything! Stop badmouthing him!
Welcome to the world of sanity, Elizabeth. You have to be sane to know how insane it is that that child is allowed to be famous.
i love u justin ohhh back off girls hes mine please write back to me i loveeeeeeeeeeeeee u sooooooooooo much lol xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx u so fit like baby baby bay ohhh baby baby baby youll always be mine
no chelse u need to back off he is to good for u and always will be i will fight over my man and that goes for all u other girls to if i have to
the comments about this article are almost as funny as the article itself…
exactly nancy exactlyyy
Actually, they’re a lot funnier.
Now that the MJ stories are dying down here, will Justin Bieber fans take over the “rapid fangirl” slot, indignantly protesting any slight to their idol? (At least until the magic day a few months hence when suddenly overnight, it’s the height of uncool to like him and all his fans evaporate).
Justin bieber he is mind i wish 0ne day i could meet i l0ve u justin ur s0 h0t
Oh dear.
Please note, to anyone over 18 here wanting to go back in time to when you were a kid. Make sure it’s back then. Not being a kid now.
Shheesh!
Google News picking up Hecklerspray again! Good times!
This is one “star” I’ve never heard of, despite having two girls, ages 13 and 6. Maybe they’re just not cool.
Oh my God this article was hilarious, but it’s been outdone by the hilarious comment stream – a fight between sane people and urinating Bieber fans.
I sent a letter to Justin Bieber saying that I wanted him to write a song just 4 me and for it 2 be private… And guess what he did.. It is the best song I have ever heard. P.S. My cousin is the producer of american Idol and my other cousin helps the jonas brothers selena gomez.demi lovato, and Jusin Bieber record so HA!!!!!! BEAT THAT!.!
Sweetheart, give the meds a little more time to kick in. Just go have a liedown & everything’ll be fine in the morning, promise.
justins nt a gay n he is the mst cytiest guy on our planet…he rockss…!!!!!!!!!!
i lov you justin..ur hot!!!
I am 9 years old and you make me cry everytime I hear your music. I was womdering if you could come to my house on 4 found ave lindsay on.I love YOU
Love Alicia Hawkin