hecklerspray probably has 10 nightmares a night. The most recent one included us stuck in a jail that was entirely made of fish. It was terrifying until the jailer brought us tartar sauce – then it was scrumptious.
The second most recent night terror we had included Julia Roberts riding a Harley straight out of hell. It looked almost identical to those three Meatloaf album covers actually, except in Roberts' one fist she was clenching the spinal columns of what appeared to be 200 babies, and in the other she was leafing through the script for Pretty Woman II: The Moral Dilemma Of A Hooker In Love. Oh, and she was wearing the cutest pink skirt. Other than that the imagery all looked exactly like Meatloaf's albums.
A few Paparazzi recently got closer to our nightmares than we would ever hope to be. Morgan Freeman jumped on their car and started hosing them with a Super Soaker full of that black stuff from a smoker's lung. Wait – no that was our third to last dream. It's always celebrity something or other. What happened to those camera flashers was a fraction less disease-encrusted but equally scary.
They got chased down by an angry arm-waving horn-honking Julia Roberts.
Rarely is physical violence associated with Julia Roberts. Sure, she played the part of Skeletor in that 80's He-Man movie, but that was a real stretch. Seriously, go back and compare the noses – it couldn't not be her. Other than that, aggressive behavior is never associated with the woman. Now, she does want to permanently erase Angelina Jolie from all movies ever, but she'd probably do that with editing software, not her fingers.
With such an overall passive persona it may come as a shock to most of you the woman recently chased down some Paparazzi in her own automobile, and when she caught them she shattered their jaws with the gold brick we heard she always carries with her.
Well that's not quite true – but she did give them a very thorough tongue lashing and a fist threat. E! says:
"In video of the incident, the pretty mad woman, behind the wheel of her biodiesel Mercedes, flags down a paparazzo who had previously been on her tail. After stopping, she lectures the lensman about the appropriateness of staking out a schoolyard. "You know what, you want to take me on? It's a fair fight," Roberts said in an interview airing Monday and Tuesday. "You want to do anything near my children, you're going to have a fucking fist in your face! Metaphorically speaking.""
See? She tacked on the 'metaphorically speaking' part. Good thing too, because that paparazzi was out uncle, and if she puts her fist in his face, she puts it in ours! And you know what we do when we get fists in out faces?
We bleed mostly, so please everyone always just be extra careful around us.
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Video: Julia Roberts Chases Paparazzi – Associated Press