Being involved in a marriage primarily because it furthers you as a brand and gives you more shitcake anecdotes to fill your endless mind-numbing autobiographies with must be quite hard.
So it's no surprise that Jordan got smashed on drugs not so long ago and wound up contemplating suicide.
But here's the thing – although she's admitted drug use, Jordan won't say what drug she took. But she has ruled out cocaine, which means that Jordan wanted to kill herself after a binge on either heroin, prescription pills, non-prescription pills or Fisherman's Friends. And when was the last time you saw Jordan with a cold, huh?
You might look at Jordan and think she has a charmed life, getting paid bags of money to do not very much except constantly put down her ladyman husband in public in her flat bored call-centre worker's voice and then getting it all filmed by a constantly-present reality TV film crew, but you're wrong. Being Jordan is a sack of unending misery.
So it's no surprise that Jordan tried to kill herself in a drug frenzy not so long ago. Well, she didn't try to kill herself as such, more that she kind of momentarily entertained the abstract possibility of thinking about what it'd be like to kill herself. But, hey, Jordan's got a new book out, so it's either talk about that or talk about the next most exciting thing in her life. And that's her tits, but she's done that already so drug frenzy suicide it is.
You see, in her new book Jordan: No, Honestly, My Life Really Is Exceptional Enough To Warrant 138 Different Autobiographies, Jordan reveals that she took a load of drugs to combat post-natal depression, then had a fight with Peter Andre, then thought about suicide.
But, crucially, Jordan didn't name the drug. This could either be because she's too ashamed about it or because a hokey game of 'guess what drug almost killed Jordan' would increase sales of her book by five or six. So naturally everyone thought it was cocaine. However, Jordan has revealed that, no, it wasn't cocaine. The Sun reports:
The mum of three, 29, took the substance behind hubby Peter Andre's back. But Jordan – real name Katie Price – refuses to say what she used. Last night her spokeswoman denied it was cocaine. She said: “Katie did not take an illegal substance. It was a prescription drug. She did turn to drugs in the lowest ebb of her life. She knows it was a stupid thing to do. Katie did not have to talk about this but has decided to do so as a warning. She wants to stop other people turning to drugs as a way of dealing with their problems.”
It's important that Jordan does this, because she's a role model to millions of youngsters. Having said that, if you do see Jordan as a role model you deserve to be packed into a bus and driven into a flooded quarry, so perhaps developing a debilitating drug addiction isn't that bad of a runner-up prize.
It's heartbreaking to think of Jordan's prescription drug binge. Not because it happened in the first place, or because she didn't quite take enough of this drug to make her actually try to kill herself, but because of the money-making opportunities it presents to her. After all, this revelation is bound to sell more books, and it's an inevitability that Jordan will release a cover version of Sipping On Some Sizzurp before the year is out to cash in. Still, it couldn't be as bad as A Whole New World.
But anyway, let's just be glad that Jordan didn't die; because, if she did, the mantle of Chief Autobiography Writer would be passed down to her husband. And the world can probably live without reading a book called I Dun A Guff In A Lift And It Stunk And A Woman Woz Angri By Peeta Andrey.
Read more: