That movie?The Master?opened last weekend. That’s the one about Scientology, unless there are any Scientologists sniffing around; then it’s just a work of fiction. Anyway, one of the stars of the film is none other than Joaquin Phoenix. He has been everywhere promoting the movie, which has led me to an interesting conclusion: he isn’t as much of a nutjob as I first hoped.
For those of you who are unaware of Joaquin (No matter how many times I have to write that name, I will never get it right on the first try), here is a very informative biography.
He was born in 1974 in Puerto Rico, to parents who were members of the Children of God cult. Their cultiness meant that Joaquin went by the name of ‘Leaf’ for most of his childhood. He is credited by this name in many of his early roles. ?His brother, River, was also an actor (Stand By Me, Stand By Me, Stand By Me); and died at the age of 23 in ’93.
From knowing that information, it’s plain to see that Joaquy (I imagine that’s what I would call him if we were friends) didn’t have a fucking chance of being normal. I mean, I’m pretty messed up and my parents?weren’t?part of a creepy cult; unless you consider borderline-alcoholism to be a cult.
Despite his?interesting?upbringing, Joaquin maintained a steady amount of acting work. He was in?Parenthood,?U Turn,?and some movie about dyslexia. However, it is his role as Commodus in?Gladiator?that went on to define the beginning of the actor’s early success. I haven’t seen the film; to the disgust of most of my ‘manly’ friends, who view it as some kind of rite of passage. He must’ve been really good in it though, because he was nominated for an Oscar. Right?
I only became aware of Phoenix’s work after he played Johnny Cash in Walk The Line.?He was amazing in that, but my interest really peaked in 2008, when he announced his retirement from acting to pursue a music career. Not just any old music career though – a rap one. The best kind.?The announcement sparked a lot of interest in the actor, which in turn led to this amazing appearance on Letterman:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZTmw26RYJU
Unfortunately for people like me everywhere, it turns out the whole thing was a stunt for?I’m Still Here,?a mockumentary project Phoenix took part in with fellow?cool dude?Casey Affleck. I was incredibly disappointed that I wasn’t going to witness another celebrity breakdown; because there’s nothing I love more than seeing people’s lives fall apart with the world watching. You have to hand it to Joaquin for devising the best movie marketing strategy since?Cloverfield.
Disheartened by the hoax, I began searching for more information on Phoenix. It was then that I stumbled on an article from 2006, reporting that Phoenix had been involved in a traffic collision. This was music to my ears; and a multitude of scenarios started running through my head. Was he drunk? Was he with a prostitute? Did he kill a homeless person and then continue driving with it on the windshield?
Brake failure. That was it. How fucking boring is that? He only caused himself minor injuries; and was believed to be sober at the time. Pfft, snore.
You have disappointed me, Joaquin. Your funny name and strange appearance made me think that you were crazy in the most beautiful, Gary Busey way. However, I have come to realise that you are just another boring celebrity who has never killed anyone or shamed themselves publicly. You may be proud of yourself; but I couldn’t be more disappointed. I guess I’ll have to wait for another child star to grow up and become psychotic; as if that ever happens …
Sophie Jenson says
I can’t believe you would wish Gary Busey levels of crazy onto another human being! That’s a fate worse then death!
Joseph says
I think it was awesome. I thought ( I still here)was true until I saw him in a camio in (7 psychopaths ). He’s done something that no other acter has everrrr done
CDiddy says
You masterbate too much!