Christmas is rubbish. It’s a day that smells of farts which you are unable to muster up the effort to waft them away… heavy lidded and as full as a fat lady’s shoe. The TV is consistently awful with round-up shows, end-of-year quizzes and premiere’s of films you didn’t want to see in the first place.
Worst of all is the music, as the saccharine ballads are rolled out on TV, complete with the on-screen ticker reminding you of stranger’s unrelenting loneliness and palpable misery.
And this year will be worse than most as Jessica Simpson has revealed that she will release a Christmas album this year.
Yep. Jessica Simpson, a thing to occupy the space in a bra and sometime singer, who recently fronted VH1’s series The Price Of Beauty, has revealed this crushing news via her Twitter page after her friend created a “winter wonderland” office for her.
I wonder if it’s a room full of stray dogs, dying homeless people and a stiff, bitter breeze clanging soaps-on-ropes together? Probably not.
She wrote:
“I’m making another Christmas record!!!!!!!!! My BF @mcstephyblanche just made my office a winter wonderland! I’m SO inspired!”
Simpson’s last Christmas LP was 2004’s Rejoice: The Christmas Album. This time ’round, we can only cross our fingers and hope she’s going for something incredibly gloomy. Here’s a suggested tracklisting.
1. Christmas Day Reminds Me Of Crying
2. Each Lost Mitten Serves As A Painful Reminder Of A Child With A Freezing Hand
3. You’re In Debt This Christmas (Just For Me)
4. Disappointed With What I’m About To Receive
5. It’ll Be Lonely This Christmas (Feat. the puppet used by Mud on TOTP)
6. Pensioner Dies After Slipping In Snow
7. The Day The Turkey Bled
8. Double Taxi Fares On Christmas Eve
9. Let’s Not Mention Our Lonely Uncle (On This Special Day)
10. New Year’s Massacre
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Melodie says
This is magnificent. Thank you.