The big news this week is that Jessica Simpson can read. You heard. She’s been taking classes in how to become a functioning human after she realised that her fame would be fleeting if she relied solely of her looks.
Oh, and let us not forget her singing voice. Pahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
Sorry. Now that Jessica Simpson is a proper bookworm, she’s? gravitating to real wordy affairs like the backs of oestrogen pill packets and the front of Pepsi cans. Better yet, she’s sharing her love of words with her fianc? Eric Johnson.
The singer has said that her and her American football playing boyfriend are real lovers of words. Not only to they speak them and read them slowly, with a ruler, in children’s books, but they also like to express themselves by writing them down.
She told New York Magazine:
“I just let it flow. My fianc? taught me that. He’ll get up in the morning and just write, so nothing blocks his emotional life. It doesn’t even have to be in sentence form he just gets everything out, and that way he can function without getting in the way of himself, without being aggressive or judgmental. We do that together.”
Get that? It doesn’t even have to be in sentence form to unblock your emotions. Something that hecklerspray is an expert in.
A source we’ve made up, leaked one of these piece of beautiful sportsman prose. It reads:
“Throw kik throwinkikinaballaround WITH HELMET ON ME HEAD i am a bit sad & i dont no why is it the helmet or the runnin arond and fallin on th floor wiv the men tryin to get th ball? I HAV A GIRL IN TH HOUSE & SHE MAKES ME DO A SEX UP HER thats o.k. becuss i like th sex altho not wen i am a tired boy from the helmet & runnin game i do in th stadiums fille d up wit th shoutin peepl. thy make me sad sumtiems.”
Simpson adds that she sometimes takes a long time reading the front of Doritos packets:
“Sometimes he takes that hour just reading, we’ll get out of bed and just read aloud to each other.”
Come on. Say it along with us Eric!
Doh… ree… toes…. doh-ree-toes… DORITOS! Attaboy! What does this say Eric? Slowly. Remember? Curly ‘cuh’. That’s right! Co… co… Coca… Co… nearly Eric! Not coca cocaine! Silly sausage! Remember the drink the the red can? No! Not McEwan’s Export! Coca Cola! Are you sleepy from all this thinking?
Let’s get you to bed.
Next week! Jessica Simpson begins work on her first of three novels which she’s already been paid a million dollar advance for.
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halo says