You have to admire Jessica Alba – even though her pregnancy means that her career as a nubile sexpot is over, she's putting a brave face on it.
In fact, she's doing more than that – Jessica Alba seems to be over the moon that she's pregnant, telling anyone who'll listen that being pregnant is "awesome" and that she's having fun "nesting" and stuff.
Don't worry boys, even though Jessica Alba is pregnant, she hasn't forgotten about you – which is why there's some pretty heavy-duty discussion of breast-engorgement where this one's headed.
Jessica Alba has made a fairly successful career out of being a skinny young thing who 14-year-old boys want to have sex with, whether she's wriggling about underwater in a bikini, dancing around in a pair of chaps or shoehorning as many gratuitous side-boob shots of herself as she can into that crappy horror movie she was just in.
But chances are all that will change now that Jessica Alba is pregnant. You see, constantly-exhausted new mothers with depleted calcium levels and chewed-up boobs don't really rock the Maxim set like they used to – which destroys the chances of Jessica Alba making an Into The Blue 2 any time soon. Unless, of course, it's about a woman with excess pregnancy skin who goes swimming, gets mistaken for a stingray and is brutally set about by some vengeful Australians.
But Jessica Alba doesn't need the love of permanently-masturbating teenage boys any more, because she's got the on/off love of an on/off boyfriend and the unconditional love of an unborn baby to see her through. And, as she told People magazine, Jessica Alba couldn't possibly any happier than she already is:
"It's awesome. It's the best time ever. I have two movies coming out, a baby, a fiancé – everything… I bought a new house a couple weeks ago. I'm in nesting phase."
But Jessica Alba is too savvy to blather on about 'nesting' at the expense of keeping her target market twitching with anticipation – which is why, as she prepared to do a reading from The Vagina Monologues yesterday, she had this to say:
"I hope [my dress] won't pop while I'm up here. And if it does, you're all women, and I think you'll understand it. [When you're pregnant], your breasts are engorged and your stomach is getting bigger… And the ass, too, that's getting bigger by the second!"
Now, we're not sure if Jessica Alba really is as pleased about her pregnancy as she's letting on, because if we had a human being growing inside us, working our extreme emotions like a wrinkly little puppetmaster, chances are we'd be pretty sodding terrified.
So maybe Jessica Alba really is scared and this is all an act.
No, that can't be right. We've seen Jessica Alba films – acting isn't exactly her strong suit, is it?
Read more:
Omfs says
“You see, constantly-exhausted new mothers with depleted calcium levels and chewed-up boobs don’t really rock the Maxim set like they used to -”
“working our extreme emotions like a wrinkly little puppetmaster”
omfs lol
Carmela says
ur evil! although i hope her “career” does flop after this… saves me been dragged to anymore of her rubbish films by the fella