America has produced some of the greatest writers the world has ever known. Twain, Capote, Jack Kerouac and now the biggest and best of them all – Snooki. Yep, Simon & Schuster have announced that they will publish a novel by Nicole Polizzi, aka Snooki, of the reality TV show Jersey Shore.
Now, you’re probably sniffily dismissing this as some throwaway memoir filled with indulgent fluff about nothing.
Well you’re wrong. This is going to be a novel. A proper novel with words, a cover and everything! Sadly, it isn’t going to be called The Booki of Snooki. It is going to be a different pun – ‘A Shore Thing’. How boring is that?
Of course, Snooki has had a turbulent time of late, getting smacked in the mouth by a prick and getting arrested over the summer for being completely arsehole-drunk on a beach.
An announcement about the novel says:
“will revolve around a girl looking for love on the boardwalk (one full of big hair, dark tans and fights galore).”
Hang on! This is not a memoir?
Gallery editor in chief Jennifer Bergstrom asks the question:
“Who better than Snooki to write a fun, sexy novel about a single girl looking for love on the Jersey Shore?”
This is definitely not a memoir? Right?
It isn’t?
Really?
Of course, dick head critics (like us) will pounce all over this book, desperate to show how bloody clever we are by pointing out the things that are wrong with it (while wilfully ignoring our own mistakes, of course).
Perhaps we’re being a little hasty. Her tweets display that she could become something of an American literary giant.
Recently, she tweeted:
I feel like a guy tryna “whew” a girl lol what has gotten into me? I’m on @JENNIWOWW‘s cloud9 now. Fml thanks bitch
…as well as the thoughtful, wistful:
Get offaaaa me and keep sippin on that haterade.
…and…
“Tryna take care of some bissnass”
People praised A Clockwork Orange for inventing a new language, so maybe Snooki could be America’s answer to Anthony Burgess, right?
Right?
Look at the way she nails this simile:
“I try and turn my head and I can’t. I look like a raptor.”
You mark our words. Snooki is going to be the next great American writer. You’ll all soon forget about Hunter S. Thompson’s journeys into the dark belly of America because, by the time Snooki is done, you’ll have to re-evaluate every book ever written.
EVER.
hoohaahee says
I have an even better title:
“POW! right in the kisser: an arsehole’s guide to taking a punch”