Are you a David Mamet fan who watches Entourage and lives within maybe 50 miles or so of central New York?
You’re not? Well let’s pretend you are for the sake of the story, shall we? So, hey, Mamet-loving New York-based Entourage viewer, we’ve got some bad news – Jeremy Piven ate too many fish and now he’s got a tummy ache.
And because of this, Jeremy Piven has been forced to prematurely quit his Broadway run of Mamet’s Speed-The-Plow. Obviously when we said ‘bad tummy’ we meant ‘dangerously high levels of mercury poisoning’,but you get the idea.
Everyone loves Jeremy Piven, don’t they? The way he plays exactly the same character no matter what he’s in and sort of seems like he’d be impossible to spend any meaningful amount of time around, it’s cute. He’s like a smaller version of Vince Vaughn who looks like he panics about hairloss quite a lot or something.
However, all is not particularly well in the Piven camp at the moment, and it’s all to do with the copious amount of fish Jeremy Piven eats a day. You see, Jeremy Piven loves fish. He loves fish so much that he’s now learnt how to swallow a pollack in one go without chewing it, and there’s a clause in his Entourage contract stipulating that whenever he does a good take one of the producers has to throw a chunk of sprat into his open mouth while he dances on a beachball.
The downside to this, however, is that Jeremy Piven is now so overwhelmingly riddled with mercury that he’s been forced to cancel his Broadway run in the David Mamet play Speed-The-Plow on doctor’s orders. People reports:
“I pulled Jeremy from the show,” says Dr. Carlon Colker. “I’m an unpopular character right now.” After a battery of tests failed to reveal what was ailing the three-time Emmy winner, Colker checked his “heavy metals” and was “absolutely stunned” to find mercury at a level “almost six times the upper limit of normal and allowable,” says the doctor. “It’s the highest level I’ve ever seen.”
Apparently some of the symptoms of mercury poisoning include fatigue, excessive perspiration, chronic headaches, a feeble pulse, irritability, fits of anger and decline of intellect. Which means we should probably cut back on the sushi right before Entourage comes on, because the last couple of seasons have given us every single one of these things at one point or another.
However, don’t worry about Jeremy Piven. His doctor has said that, while mercury poisoning can absolutely kill you dead – and that Piven has the highest level he’s ever seen – he does expect the actor to be completely healthy again by the time he’s due to resume his high-paying Entourage job in March. Which is handy.
Apparently all Jeremy Piven needs to do is lay low and rest for the next couple of months and he’ll be fine. Also, he should probably think about knocking his dangerous fish habit on the head and try eating something a bit safer, like infected cow brain or anthrax or something. We’re not experts.
Shooty* says
I was about to write a long, long, long thread about how much I hate this fella, when I realised that, lo, I actually like him coz he was in grosse pointe blanc, and the one I hate is fvcking rat faced weasle bad actor Jon Favreau! What a mistake that would have been!
Seriously… Favreau, eh? Has ANY film not starring Tom Cruise ever been as unwatchable, untalented, unenjoyable and uninspired as Swingers?
No.
No, it hasn’t.
Thank you, and good night.
Shooty* says
Anyway, I was ABOUT to do that, but Rachel Stevens has got her legs out on telly, so I’m not going to.
Phwoar. Would.