Jennifer Lopez Vs The Nutcases
Then buzz it up
May 11th, 2005 at 14:30 by C J Davies
Wobbly-arsed superstar Jennifer Lopez (DVDs/CDs) - part-time singer, part-time actress and full-time 
mediocre media parasite - has gotten herself into a spot of bother with her new movie ‘Monster-In-Law.’
Surprisingly, this isn’t anything to do with the critical drubbing this collosal turkey has been getting… although those of you with a spare moment may want to check out exactly how bad this gargling concoction of ‘humiliating physical comedy’ truly is.
It isn’t even related to Lopez’s bad-blooded conflict with animal rights activists, who turned up in their droves to bellow abuse during the movie’s premiere. Oh, no, Jennifer’s only gone and found a whole new sector of society to offend.
Anyone out there allergic to nuts?
No, not the crap men’s magazine (although hecklerspray does come out in an unpleasant rash just thinking of that chav-targeted horrorshow), but rather the foodstuff. Pistachios, Cashews, Snickers bars…
If you are, then you should really be aware of the Food Allergy & Anaphylaxis Network (FAAN). They’re your friend. They’ve got their big all-seeing eyes wide open and they’re lookng out for you. And they aren’t happy with Jenny at all.
Apparently a pivotal scene in Monster-In-Law features Jennifer trying to kill off allergy-wielding boyfriend’s mummy Jane Fonda (DVDs) by slipping a handful of nuts into her food. Cue unbridled hilarity as Jane goes all red and puffy. Cue even more hilarity as her throat seizes up and she collapses to the floor in a series of trembling convulsions (we expect. To be honest, we’re never going to see the film so it doesn’t really matter what happens).
The FAAN are unsurprisingly failing to see the funny side of all this. "I doubt New Line Cinema would permit a scene where a diabetic would be given an overdose of insulin,‘ growled a spokeswoman. Although you never can tell… as soon as she said that it was more than likely the Farrelly Brothers (DVDs) were scribbling down notes for some ‘zany’ new setpiece.
Incidentally, we’re not 100% sure we agree with the FAAN’s claim that people are going to start copycatting Jenny’s food-spiking antics, thus sending their nearest and dearest straight to the emergency ward. We’re pretty sure that people will realise that Monster-In-Law is … well … just a movie (albeit an extraordinarily bad one from all accounts).
But what the hell? We just find it funny when people start bickering.
Come on, Lopez! All bets are on! Who can you piss off next?
[story by C J Davies]
Related and recent:
- Jennifer Lopez Sues Ex-Husband Over Naughty Book
- Jennifer Lopez Definitely Pregnant, Says Man With Eyes
- Jennifer Lopez Finally Gives Birth To Those Twins Of Hers
- Holy Crap, Jennifer Lopez Is Pregnant!?
- Jennifer Lopez & Marc Anthony: The Ill-Judged Joint Tour
- Jennifer Lopez Has Party For Husband, Seems To Want Medal For It
- Jennifer Lopez Wins $545,000 Over Ex-Husband’s Naughty Book
- Jennifer Lopez Has Two Big-Arsed Babies On The Way
May 11th, 2005 at 3:21 pm
I just don’t understand why people have to be so ugly to Jennifer Lopez. I think it is hard for some people to accept a Hispanic female with so much to offer. I love Jennifer Lopez’s work, there are something I do not think are great. But all in all she has had some hits in the fields of entertainment. I just wish people like you would lay off her.
May 11th, 2005 at 3:29 pm
jennifer lopez sucks. she is all about
media attention. very shallow!
May 11th, 2005 at 4:52 pm
Why is Jennifer Lopez being blamed? She’s playing a ROLE previously laid out in a script. If anything, it should be the *writer’s* fault. The only thing Ms. Lopez did was do her job. There are plenty of people who read a script and edit it before it gets to the actor.
The only reason her name is mentioned is because of the media attention using her name would bring.
May 11th, 2005 at 6:38 pm
Oh Jeez. J Lo is still Jenny from the block, right? Yeah, whatever you say Jenny. This sounds like the bling backlash from all sections of the media and it has nothing to do with being Hispanic. If the script sucked why did she take the role?
J Lo loves the media and plays it for all it is worth. That isn’t a crime, but you have to take the bad press with the good, and this movie has attracted a fair share of bad reviews. Good points well made all round if you ask me.
May 11th, 2005 at 6:50 pm
Maybe this is the wrong thing to say, but the whole nut thing sounds quite funny. And the insulin thing would be equally funny, if it was done right
May 11th, 2005 at 7:06 pm
Oh boo hoo hoo. ‘I think it is hard for some people to accept a Hispanic female with so much to offer.’ Yes, that’s it, we’re all racists because we take the piss out of someone for everything BUT their ethnicity. So much to offer? If having a arse roughly the size of Switzerland and collaborating with rap ‘artists’ who were tedious in 1992 and are now tedious and dated is ’so much to offer’, then we might as well all try and kill ourselves with peanuts and insulin because clearly there’s no hope for anyone, anywhere if that’s considered a contribution.
You want to know why people take the piss out of J. Lo? Because she’s a little rich bitch who has an ego that would make God look insecure and nervous, and it’s always fun to take those sorts of people down a notch or five.
May 11th, 2005 at 9:37 pm
The real reason I wrote this J’Lo story is that the woman reminds me of a personal tragedy.
A couple of years back, me and some mountaineering friends launched an attempt to scale the west face of her arse. That was a six-man expedition …
… and only two of us returned …
May 11th, 2005 at 11:01 pm
And the other four fell down the deep canyon,right?
You should preserve their memory for posterity (my god, now there’s a bad pub).
May 11th, 2005 at 11:02 pm
Or a bad pun even. Time for bed I think.
May 12th, 2005 at 1:05 pm
I’d happily fund another attempt if you mountaineers fancy another bash at the ass.
May 13th, 2005 at 8:32 am
God, this is ridicolous, why do people assume they know someone who is famous, all u know is what u read, I don’t know jennifer lopez, and I don’t care what she is like in person, If I like a movie I watch it if not, I don’t go on lunatic rampages dissing her all over the net.
May 14th, 2005 at 12:01 am
CJDavies, silly person you, Jennifer Lopez is the one with the nut allergy in the movie not Jane Fonda. The least you could have done before writing a review is to make sure you even know what you’re talking about.
May 18th, 2005 at 7:44 am
HELLO!!! Jane was the one who planted the nuts in the Gravy. NOT Jennifer. God, how stupid can one make themselves look in Public? WATCH THE DAMN MOVIE before you start talking about it. What a Laugh.
This whole article has lost all it’s credibility. And I’m even more pissed off that you have me here defending JLo of all people. The Movie was pretty good though. and obviously the public agree’s since it was her highest debut weekend. God, some people are morons! Including the author of this article.