Jennifer Lawrence In Bondage: Got Your Attention Now?

Jennifer LawrenceOscar winner and all-round lovable lunatic Jennifer Lawrence is reportedly being eyed up by producers to play Anastasia Steele in the 50 Shades of Grey movie. If all goes to plan, then the guy in charge of casting will never have to buy his own drink again. 

This could be a smart move from producers – when the hordes of randy middle-aged housewives descend on cinemas like harpies to drool over Alex Pettyfer (who has been confirmed as Christian, the male lead), the promise of seeing 2013’s Most Desirable Woman being tied up and spanked might be enough to drag their husbands along too. If they could somehow find a way to involve One Direction for the tween market, they’ve pretty much created a film for all the family. Ball-gags aside, that is.

In case you are one of the three people left on Earth who are blissfully unaware of E.L James’ bafflingly successful re-telling of Twilight with added bondage, here’s a recap.

Anastasia Steele is a naive, innocent 21-year old literature student with all the charm and likability of  Kristen Stewart kicking a puppy in the face whilst screaming ‘Gangnam Style’ into the face of sick orphans. She is described as biting her lip so often that you might begin to wonder if she has a twitch. She also has annoying tendency to refer to her ‘inner goddess’, which conjures up visions of Lizzie McGuire’s cartoon alter-ego.

Jennifer lawrence mouth open

So straight away you can tell that JLaw is far too likable to pull off such a whiny character. She may have won an Oscar, but nobody is that good. Ana then goes on to meet Christian Grey, an equally unlikable damaged billionaire who is constantly cocking his head to the side and that buys women expensive clothes, jewellery and cars in return for sleeping with him whenever he wants, then acts surprised when they say they feel like prostitutes. They than have the exact same boring sex scene six or seven times (it’s literally like the author just copies and pastes it into random parts of the book), Ana cries and says ‘Oh my’ a lot, and the book ends exactly where it started. Rinse and repeat for the next two books.

jennifer lawrence disgusted gif

Without a doubt, this film will be awful. Even Oscar winning actresses can’t save big screen adaptations of Twilight fan fiction. So why not just accept how much it’s going to be ridiculed and just cast Kristen Stewart? It was written with her in mind, and her specialty is clumsy brunettes with speech impediments and deep, brooding boyfriends. Or better yet, cast one of the Wayans brothers in a wig, and pass it off as the sixth ‘Scary Movie’.

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Comments

  1. Guest says

    Oh shut up, this tabloid rumor has long been debunked, and Jennifer would never ever touch this embarrassment.

  2. John Neal says

    Not to mention that one would have to assume Anastasia is of the weaker sex…..and Jennifer is far from weak. She would beat Christian mercilessly and then plant an arrow in his throat.