Turning 40 isn’t a nice experience, but Jennifer Aniston turning 40 isn’t a nice experience for anybody.
And we all know why. On a good day Jennifer Aniston has the ability to irritate everyone by bleating about how much she doesn’t like having her picture taken or whichever one of her co-stars she’s currently rogering, so on a bad day – a day like the day that’s five days away from her 40th birthday when she just happens to find a grey hair – imagine how unbearable Jennifer Aniston is.
Here’s a clue – she’s given us a headache, a nosebleed and some genuinely crippling diarrhoea.
They say that life begins at 40 and we’d be prone to agree – because that would technically still make us a foetus, which explains our funny-shaped head, tiny hands and hunched spine better than any medical advice we’ve ever received.
And if life begins at 40, then Jennifer Aniston is figuratively sliding down her mother’s birth canal, screaming and pooing and making an awful racket to make sure that she’s noticed. Actually, that last bit’s probably not figurative at all. But anyway, our point is this – Jennifer Aniston turns 40 on Wednesday.
And because Jennifer Aniston is shy and retiring, preferring to only discuss in public every single thing that happens in her entire pissing life, you can imagine what sort of fuss she’s making about it. People reports:
“I have to say, I feel better than I ever felt in my life,” Aniston says on The Ellen DeGeneres Show. “I did have a moment, though, over the weekend my first like huh … I don’t want to [turn 40]. I found a really long gray hair, and it kind of flipped me out. It’s not my first, but it’s the fact that it was so long. I was like, ‘Oh that’s been there. How many others are there, and what does that mean? It actually brought me to tears, slightly.”
Now actually we’re torn here – one one hand, it’s refreshing to see a Hollywood actress confront her age honestly and openly, despite the industry’s notorious preference for younger models, and for that Jennifer Aniston should be applauded.
But on the other hand, by speaking about her age Jennifer Aniston has to use her voice, and it’s a voice we’ve heard so often lately that the thought of it alone makes us want to headbutt knives until we’re unconscious. So, you know, it balances out in the end.
Regardless of the implications of Jennifer Aniston’s admission, though, we will confidently make two predictions about it, though:
1) Upon hearing that Jennifer Aniston has grey hair, Angelina Jolie will immediately sign up to make a movie based on Rapunzel out of nothing more than spite and a desire for magazine headlines.
2) Jennifer Aniston shouldn’t worry about her hair. Because in a few years her chin is going to start wrinkling, and that’s going to look REALLY bizarre.
Canuck says
Having been there, turning 40 was probably the best birthday I had. You are finally at the point that other people’s expectations of you don’t matter, because if they haven’t happened in the first 40 years, they aren’t going to happen at all, so you stop feeling guilty about it. She’s probably well adjusted enough to actually enjoy herself.
jane says
I applaud Stuart Heritage for writing the above article and calling it as it is. I am delighted to know that he is prepared to tell it as it is and not be on the payroll of Aniston’s publicity machine whose only function is to promote Aniston in a positive way at the expense of Jolie who is constantly attacked by Aniston’s paid bloggers and websites. That’s a fact. Thanks Stuart Heritage.
StuFan#1 says
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 That is soooooooooo blytanly suckin up to Stuart Heritage it makes me **helloo???????** vomit because it’s so blytanly. what are you gonna acheef with comin here an tryin to make babys with Stuart Heritage don,t you even now that he may be a gayer in the cubord yah thats’ right he likes the men an not the others so **haaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaa** to late caus. you need too stop because girls makin his head gro are the lasst thing Stuart Heritage needs an theres’ no way he,ll let it hapen (girls makin his head gro)
DD says
And five years she wasted on Brad Pitt. Wow.
Ash says
Jen is a pathetic desperate clown. That’s what the public really thinks of her. I wish she would go away. She should get involve in help other and not be so wrap up in her self. She and Mayer act like immature 13 year old kids.
wanderlust says
stuart is a hater!! jennifer is definitely the public’s darling whether u haters like it or not. she is the closest thing to a real person in hollywood, she has class but is not afraid to show how she feels. that’s why people love her. angelie is a phony and a poser. her fans are as insecure and immoral as she is.
BR says
Is she 40 for real?
She says the most boring and stupid things, really.
euclid says
Wow. Poor JA. I mean, who would have seen this coming, right?
You know, if turning 40 is such a trial, maybe she shouldn’t.
Oh, and wanderlust: it would be better for everyone if you
shut the fuck up. Idjut. I’m not afraid to show how I feel either!
Do you love me for it? Yes? Masochist. No? Hypocrite.
stuart is a h8r stuart is a h8r stuart is a h8r stuart is a h8r stuart is a h8r stuart is a h8r stuart is a h8r stuart is a h8r stuart is a h8r stuart is a h8r stuart is a h8r
PJ says
Hey Stuart,
Maybe next time you want to post a message you should lay off the smoke or wear your glasses. How in the hell is anybody suppose to take you seriously when every other word is misspelled. It seems fairly obvious that you are lacking in the gray matter between your ears. What Brad and Angelina did was wrong. If you ever find yourself on the receiving end of such a betrayal I sincerely hope that it is splashed on the cover of every paper and magazine in the free world. Maybe then you will have a right to comment on Jennifers’ private life. That’s assuming of course that you are strong enough to survive it. A-HOLE!!!!
IQ of a raspberry says
It’s hard not to feel humbled and, maybe, a little ashamed after P J reminds us all, ALL, of our responsibilities.
I shall never mock another celebrity that P J likes as long as I live. Maybe P J could send a list of untouchables to Mr Heritage for future reference.
joe leveille says
Jennifer, They say life begins at forty because everything that happens after forty is a reocurrance. Happy B-day