Don’t listen to any tiresomely predictable explanations of why Eurovision is the best thing ever. It’s not. Full of people that can’t sing a note, musical genres that haven’t seen the light of day since Technotronic (CDs) were calling the shots, and it doesn’t even have any adverts for respite.
People who tell you Eurovision is great are crap. You show the slightest passing interest in Strictly Dance Fever and – Bam! – they’ve got you. What else is on at that time of night? Hit Me Baby One More Time, that’s what. And that’s even more like Eurovision!
Javine (CDs) and her sexy, though undeniably painful sounding diamond underwear might be the pitiful show’s only excuse for being broadcast. And with Wogan‘s drunk on half a glass of Cava antics, that ‘might be’ is on thinner ice than a bottle of Beefeater bubbly.
All pout and Maybelline she may be, but Javine is still a better prospect than our entry two years ago – the Steps twinpack Gemini. Here at hecklerspray we’ve never really heard Javine sing anything other than ‘Surrender‘, and that’s only because Radio 1 still play the DAT happy ditty whenever they need to fill exactly 3.28 minutes. As liquid as they are, even the Kaiser Chiefs (CDs) can’t sustain an entire day’s broadcast – though Lord knows Jo Wiley‘s tried.
‘Touch My Fire‘ is Javine’s official Eurovision entry. It’s better than spilling Amir Khan‘s pint, but worse than practically anything else ever sung by a human being. It’s definitely a potential winner.
Javine knows the score for this year. The media spin machine is already on full cycle. Those ten billion hits an hour spy pic websites have their DVD recorders primed and ready to freeze-frame. But most important of all is that Javine herself is more than willing to provide fuel to this justly well-stoked fire.
If we said to you that Javine purposely let her nipple pop out of her dress on the Eurovision heats a couple of months back we’d be in danger of being sued. If we suggested the only way to beat jumbo jugs Jordan (DVDs) was to flash ‘the nipple’; we’d be in court quicker Macaulay Culkin backing up his freaky-faced pal Mike. Plus Jordan was even more appalling at singing than we all expected anyway, so the point is safely moot. Javine didn’t need to show her nipple. She just did.
The nipple flash is more fashionable than those charity wristbands at the moment. We all know about Javine’s little slip (which apparently also occurred at a public swimming baths days before the show), but did you realise eczema-skinned forces sweetheart Claire Sweeney (CDs) thought she’d have a go too?
With miserible Vera Lynn (CDs) refusing to sing one note on her own at the finale of Sunday’s VE Party to Remember, the BBC were in need of a suitably crowd pleasing pre-cursor.
Step forward Sweeney, a strapless red dress, and a beatifully well-timed nip slip during her thundering rendition of ‘Roll Out the Barrel‘. Or it might have been ‘Hey, Matthew‘ we can’t quite remember. Certainly stopped Eamon Holmes midway through his fondant fancies we know that much.
Regardless of what really happened with Javine and her "opps, silly me!" incident during the Eurovision run up, we can say hands down and for certain that those diamond studded knickers will not be staying underneath whatever glitter gown she dons for the main event.
With the Swarovski gemmed undergarments being worth a reputed £10,000, to not show them to anybody would be even more pointless than making them in the first place. If aliens land on the main stage and sing a thrash metal version of Agadoo (CDs) we’d be mildly surprised. If a snap of Javine’s pants doesn’t make the front page of the redtops we’d be downright shocked.
Eurovision is broadcast live on 21st May so there’s still time to stock up on Zopiclone. Then again, who wants to drift off to sleep listing to Germany’s answer to Martina Topley-Bird (CDs) with throat cancer? Hang around for Javine and her gemstone smalls, then go and do something more constructive. Like counting all the atoms in your street.
If you’re not latent suicidal or have finished puberty, try having a Eurovision bet over at Betfair instead. We’ve been running odds on the different entrants at hecklerspray for the past week or so.
This is a great idea because you don’t even need to watch the show to make a bet. Go down the pub, set the video for Javine if you must, get cheerfully drunk on 5% lager, then come home and collect your winnings.
Fun, potentially lucrative, and much nicer than popping your nipple out on the high street. And a lot less likely to get you restricted access to your own family too.
[story by Chris Laverty]
Tobias says
Why would you waste so much time posting this big article about a Eurovision contestant when you have another one further down the page describing just how bad the contest is? Doesn’t make much sense, does it?
ed says
The other one is part of a betting odds rundown, but fair enough…