The name Jackson has shifted meanings quite dramatically over the last few decades.
In the seventies you’d know the Jacksons as that annoying bunch of kids whose songs were more infectious then the Ebola virus, while the eighties and early nineties saw Michael Jackson pull away and gain success on his own.
Sadly MJ knackered things up towards the end of the nineties with “botched surgery” plaguing the Jackson name. Then at the turn of the millennium, things got worse as the tags “dodgy alleged child molester”, “rubber masked mo’ fo’” and “strange reality show contestant” were thrown around.
Whilst all the male members of the Jackson family were being beaten daily by their father to perform like dancing bears, poor Janet Jackson didn’t get a look in, with only Jackie, Tito, Jermaine, Marlon, Michael and Randy involved in the Jackson 5 set-up.
Sadly, she’d have to go alone at it, using her surname like the unfamous sibling of a celebrity does. Yes she released some songs, but they weren’t “omg wow amazing,” though getting her tit out at the Super Bowl XXXVIII show in February 2004 did help.
Employed to entertain a rabble of drunken Americans whilst they waited for a poor man’s rugby game to kick off again, Janet was joined by her mate Justin Timberlake. The song itself was doing little to entertain anyone watching, but the real fun didn’t kick in until the end when Timberlake messed around with Janet’s costume. Tearing open her top, he exposed her right breast. Dubbing it as a “wardrobe malfunction,” the two were in for a right telling off. It made Bubbles the monkey cry for God’s sake!
Because Americans are scared of seeing another human naked, the CBS network was fined $550,000 and forced to show all future Super Bowl events on a delay. You know, just incase Paul McCartney whips down his trousers and makes a daisy chain out of his pubes if he was ever asked to play at halftime.
Because Janet is running out of fresh, innovative ideas, she has had to resort to past glories like these for a money spinning opportunity. Her lingerie line Pleasure Principle – named after a song that no-one really knows about from 1987 – apparently aims to make women feel feminine and sexy. At least she’s not set out to make ladies look hairy, butch and transgender. Janet said:
“People have come to me with other ideas, but lingerie is a passion for me, and just like music and acting, I can’t do it unless I put 100% into it.”
It remains to be seen if there will be a super special bra which will have a unusual pad for you to rip off in order to get that Super Bowl feeling. Failing that, we’re sure that a life size cardboard cut out of Justin Timberlake complete with strange, shocked reaction-face will be provided so you can recreate the moment in your front room.
With Janet Jackson‘s bra and knickers to be set rolling out of sweatshops imminently, we hope that Michael Jackson will bring out his own brand of face scarves to cover up any individual’s face. Failing that, at least a Dummies Guide To Avoiding Kiddy Fiddling Charges. Gary Glitter would have bought a copy three years ago.
styles-p says
You are a real fuckin asshole. How dare you insult her. You’d probably have something great to say about your idols like-George Michael, Elton John, or Peter Pan, get it pillow-biter. Cause only a WOman NOT A MAN would insult a beautiful woman and have something negative to say. I wish this were in paper form so i could do what was best for this article and that is WIPE MY ASS!
kaur says
whoeva wrote dis piece of junk is obviously havin a hard time lookin @ da mirror cus they are ugly n not worth anythin so they r dissing the jacskons, they feel soory 4 their selves n we do pity u but dont take u anger out of michael cus he is gorgous n got everythin in life u shud blame ur parents u’ve got their ugly genes
luv u michael jakson
Nikola says
Okay! I hope u r better now ;)
Viva Janet-!!!!!
Der Golem says
Oh Matthew, I LOVE YOU! I laughed out loud all through. Lovely Sunday morning read.
Janet jumped the shark ages ago. If music were the passion she says it is, she’d dumped the over-produced, unintelligible garbage she’s been releasing and (ehem) take control of her musical career.
Michael went off the rails long, long, long ago and I’ll wager that in the not too distant future, people will realize that there is a difference between the artist and the art.
Peace, my brother.