It’s hard to care about Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon, isn’t it? There’s just nothing to them.
Plus they met on the set of Rendition. And anyone able to fall in love on a film that unwatchably dreary deserves to be chemically castrated. And Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon don’t even have a cute Brangelina-style name. That’s possibly because it’d have to be Jeese or Rake or Withensphaan or Gyllerhoon or something crap like that, but it’s more likely to be because nobody cares.
Anyway, some people say that Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon have split up. Other people say that they haven’t. Please adjust the tragectory of your lives accordingly.
On the surface, Jake Gyllenhall and Reese Witherspoon have a lot in common. They’re both conventionally attractive movie stars. Their surnames would both get you an abnormally high Scrabble score. They’re both critically adored. Their surnames could both feasibly be the name of a Star Trek-style alien race. They were both in Rendition. Their surnames both sound the like dying gasps of a drowning alcoholic. See? They’re made for each other.
OR ARE THEY? Well, probably. Over the last few days, cracks have been reported in whatever impossibly bland landscape it is that passes for paradise in the Gyllenhaal/Witherspoon household. This weekend it claimed that Reese and Jake had split up, either because they both have profoundly deep secrets that they want to cover up, or because there are only so many conversations that two people can have about hair. But that was all turned on its head on Sunday, when Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon came forward to deny the news. So everything’s OK.
OR IS IT? Because according to new reports, Jake Gyllenhaal has been clearing his stuff out of Reese Witherspoon’s house. MSNBC reports:
Paparazzi allegedly spotted Gyllenhaal?s assistant enter Witherspoon?s residence Sunday evening and exit just 15 minutes later carrying luggage. The assistant was then seen delivering the luggage to Gyllenhaal?s home. ?(Gyllenhaal?s assistant) looked like she had a job to do,? one lensman said. ?She was in and out very quickly, and she had two bags with her in the car when she left.?
This news is driving us mad! Have Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon split up, or haven’t they? We need to know, because we need to determine the appropriate response. For instance, if they’re still together then we should probably do a fairly nonchalant shrug. But if they’ve split up they deserve nothing less than a fairly nonchalant shrug coupled with an insincere sad face. We need to know one way or the other, damn it.
OR DO WE?
No. No, actually we couldn’t care less. Sorry.
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Kate says
“Plus they met on the set of Rendition.”
They didn’t, that was just the first lie in this PR fiction. Jake and Reese met years ago because Jake knows Ryan since he worked with his father, Stephen Gyllenhaal, in 1998.
Reese and Jake are using People and publicity stunt to get press for their projects – Jake’s new movie, Reese’s Avon perfume and DVD.
And it works – as we can see, you are writing about this boring fauxmance!
Kate says
P.S. Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal share the same manager – Evelyn O’Neill.
JoeMomma says
The real question is, does he use her chin as a coathook?
Shelly says
Jake and Reese did not meet on the set of Rendition. He met her back when she was married to Ryan. Jake was friends with Ryan first.
She and Jake were only together for Rendition when they did makeup and costume testing a month before they began filming. They never had any scenes together.
I know your info came from People magazine, but they are not as good at getting their facts correct as they say they do.
Ashley says
Another pathetic attempt at some PR from a boring, fake couple. Reese has to promote her paid Avon charity gigs and crappy perfume and Jake has a new movie out for the first time in 2 years and he’s praying it won’t be another bomb. They would be interesting if they actually ended the showmance.