If there's one thing you should have learnt from It Will Kill You by now, it's that animals are big hard buggers who hate you and want you dead. And we mean all of them: rats, bats, eels, seals, anteaters and, er, well you get the idea.
They don't get a lot bigger and tougher than the Hippopotamus.
Now I know you, dear, sweet and na?ve Hecklerspray readers. You're sitting there in your lovely comfy chair idly thinking about a big ol? friendly Fantasia hippo in a tutu dancing with a crocodile, aren't you?
AREN?T YOU?
The name Hippopotamus comes from the Greek for ?swamp bastard? and refers to one of the most dangerous animals in the world. Why are they dangerous? Because they weigh up to 8,000lbs, can run 20mph and are hungry most of the time.
Yeah, that's right ? hungry, hungry hippos. Ha ha ha. Get it out of your systems.
They?re proper tough too. They spend half their days killing and eating other animals indigenous to Sub-Saharan Africa and the other half viciously fighting each other. A neat trick, which for any one of you who have ever been in a rugby team (or American football team for our cross-Atlantic fans) and sampled the post-game changing rooms, might be familiar with. In a bid to humiliate rivals and demonstrate alpha status, hippos will urinate and defecate copious amounts into a small area of the river or pond that they're in and then ?dung shower? their opponents by blowing all their wee-wee and shit-shit all over them.
Unafraid of humans, hippos have been responsible for more deaths than lions, tigers or er, giraffes combined. They?ll clamp down their massive jaws, biting your head and shoulders clean off and chew you up with their razor-sharp incisors.
So in summary, Hippos: They?re like big, drunk, rugby-playing coprophile horse-pig-elephants. Stay away.
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hoohaahee says
“The name Hippopotamus comes from the Greek for