Between all of the style shoots, press tours, photo ops with fans, and armies of insatiable paparazzi chasing them down, you’d think celebs would tire of a camera constantly being in their face. However, to assume that would be to ignore the main draw of why one opts to become a star at all—complete and utter narcissism.
Despite the countless tirades and sometimes physical altercations that occur when a celebrity’s picture is snapped, most of Hollywood’s elite seem to have no issue capturing their own private and “candid” moments, which they, in turn, share with the same viewing public. It’s as true sign as any that we are in the golden age of vanity– a Kardashian-esque pandemic of sorts– and what better tool is there to feed the ego than Instagram?
While you are busy filtering photos of the questionable breakfast your boy/girlfriend made for you with a “<3 somebody loves me” caption, celebs are busy upping their Insta-game with filtered stills of their everyday life that would put yours to shame.
It’s not to say you are any less self-absorbed than these celebs, it’s just that they are so much more interesting that it’d probably embarrass them that you even try.
Your showing off tickets to a concert, perhaps split screened with a shot of the stage from a good seat, might draw a few “wow, so jealous comments” from your just as pathetic friends, but a backstage upload of the candy bowl that meets that pop star’s specifications screams “boss” and garners about a thousand times more likes.
So, considering you probably aren’t talented or good looking enough to ever become famous, here are some tips directly from the stars to at least fool your Instagram followers into thinking you live like one.
1. Make sure you can take as many pictures with other celebrities as possible. In fact, make sure you are only ever pictured with other celebrities. Celeb-commoner pics are reserved for plebeian feeds.
2. IMPORTANT: When taking a pic with another celeb, act casual or make a funny face. You want people to know this is just another day for you. Use nicknames or insert an inside joke if possible.
3. If you somehow miss a spray tan, just throw on Kelvin. Instant orange goddess. Celebs only get pasty for high-paying roles, not in real life.
4. Act like you’re angry that you’re taking your own picture. It makes you look sexy. And fierce.
5. Pro Tip: Make your selfies look a lil less narcissistic by acting like you don’t even realize you’re taking you’re own picture.
6. Maybe act like you caught yourself off guard, even.
7. Constantly yet casually take pics of the things you have that most other people could never afford.
8. If you have multiple things, try to line them all up in the same shot when possible.
9. When trying to downplay drastic plastic surgery, try to take photos next to someone with more work done.
10. Want to rep your team? Don’t let a jersey ruin your main selling point, and don’t let the team brand you– you brand the team. Celeb Instagram has a strictly “shirts optional” policy. Exercise that whenever possible.
11. REMEMBER: No matter the circumstance, there is no space too small that you can’t dodge fat arm. It’s not awkward, it’s slenderizing.
12. Prove you eat. A pic of you posing taking a bite of a sweet is legitimate proof you eat whatever you want.
13. Prove you read. What good is reading a book if no one else knows you’re reading it? Wear glasses for authenticity’s sake.
14. Use Instagram to prove a point. If someone tells you your jeans are too baggy, borrow a Victoria secret model’s pants and snap a pic. It’ll show the haters and prove just how much you clearly don’t care.
15. 4>1 The intersection of math and vanity.
16. Show backstage/prep pics…
17. Not only does it show that you work, it shows how much better your job is.
18. Don’t be afraid to use filters to the point where the other person in the photo is rendered featureless. This isn’t about them.
19. Don’t miss the opportunity to snap a “candid” right before you’re about to go workout. This is a way to announce that even at your “worst,” you look better than most people ever will. It’s also extremely relevant to other people’s life and they will appreciate that.
20. Since it’s all only a narcissistic means to an end anyway, why not throw up your POS artwork and let your fans lavish you with praise?
So there you have it, 20 tips on how to Instagram like a celeb. If you can follow those, and try to use filters that obscure most of your facial features, you might have a shot at Instagram stardom.