Thousands of Harry Potter fans with nothing better to do decided to stand in a queue all night while the heavens opened on them, making them wetter than Ron Weasley’s demeanour. Trafalgar Square is now overrun with Potterists with the local council considering exterminating them like rats as they breed in the streets, birthing runts diseased with magic.
Of course, these poor souls stood beneath the rainclouds ahead of the world premiere of the final instalment of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (pt 2), posing the question – why not wait a couple of weeks and watch it online where you won’t get pneumonia from sleeping like tramps in the road?
Naturally, they’ll be hanging around to see the cast, which includes recovering alcoholic Daniel Radcliffe and Emma ‘Are We Still Calling It A New Haircut?’ Watson. It’ll be thrilling for the stars to meet their fans, who will, by the time it gets to this evening,? smell so bad that even a botfly would vomit in their presence, refusing to lay their eggs in the foetid skin of the Potterites.
The film itself doesn’t see release ’til 15 July and it’d be hilarious if tonight’s premiere was postponed until then, just to test the fandom of the people in the streets right now, who invariably, have started a small scream which will gradually turn into a deafening, rasping shriek of wonderment.
Some of the 8,000 fans have been staking out their spot beside the red carpet since Monday, with some fools travelling from China just to get crushed in a throng while Daniel Radcliffe walks by wishing he was drunk.
And one weird factoid surrounding this event is that the red carpet itself is three-quarters of a mile long. Seriously. That’s a long carpet. Unless they’ve just got Gene Simmons to unfurl his tongue for them to all pad down?
It’s all a bit weird for the stars though. Rupert Grint, who plays Ron, says:
“Back then I was so fearless and on such a high and nothing fazed me. A few years down the line you’re a bit more self-conscious – it’s that awkward stage you go though when you’re a teenager.”
Critics have preemptively praised the film, probably without having seen it. It’s better to do so because you can then hope that you’ll get more freebies from the studio and Potterists will buy your worthless rag in droves.
We’ve seen it. And it’s shit. (We’re just saying that to be contrary, but it definitely won’t be as good as Cannonball Run).
ARE YOU WALKING PAST THE PREMIERE TODAY? WHY NOT TAKE A PICTURE OF THE STUPID PEOPLE DOWN THERE AND TWEET IT TO US ON TWITTER? ADDRESS BELOW. STUPIDEST PICTURE WINS A PRIZE.
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puneet says
whoever written all this shit doesn’t have a heart at all.
for god’s sake if you have balls then come forward and speak again one of these lines in public i’m sure ur balls will no longer be available.
wish i was there
go harry potter fans go
the boy will keep living on in all our hearts
Bryan says
Puneet, you do realize that Harry Potter is a fictional character, right? However, I think you are right, Mof may not have a heart. In fact, his lack of a heart is why I like his articles.
Gareth Sutcliffe says
I have no heart & no balls & find puneet’s flippant comments on people with my affliction extremely offensive.
Not all people with ‘Noheartballseosis’ think that Harry Potter is shit & for stupid kids/gimps, and I would thank puneet to avoid making such sweeping generalisations in the future.
On an unrelated note, I think Harry Potter is shit, and only a stupid gimp would defend it’s honour.
Nancy says
If you think it is shit then why even bother writing about it. Ignore it.
GodOfAllThingsNerd says
Yoda would kick Harry Potter’s ass.
Zantana would kick Harry Potter’s ass.
Dr. Strange would kick Harry Potter’s ass.
The Borg would kick harry Potter’s ass.
The weird Asian magician from the first Conan movie would kick Harry Potter’s ass.
Someone says
Has certainly spent a lot of time masturbating to magicians in the movies. What happen the usher caught you and kicked you out of the last Potter movie?
Cookie Monster says
Thank-you, Heplersprayers, for not using that image of Radcliffe clenching his butt-cheeks. “It’s ‘wingardium leviooosaa’,” cut!
Damnit to hell, Daniel, if you poop in your outfit one more time, we are going to hire Jake Gyllenballs, or whatever…
It is “gyllenhaal” as in “Jill-in-balls”, but without the “bee”…more like “haul” at the end
Thank-you, whats-your-face-mioni, but we were discussing Daniel’s clenched cheeks…
So was I