Look at Hulk Hogan. His very essence is to be a ridiculous cod-sportsman with the body of a racehorse – only if you extracted every bit of fluid out of it and then painted back on over the remaining, withered sinew.
Oh, and let us not forget the torn vests and bleached Mexican moustachio. How on Earth could we forget those? He’s like a 4 year old’s drawing of Frank Zappa in reverse.
Bizarrely, Hogan has found a woman to marry him. Imagine being married to Hulk Hogan. Imagine wandering into the bathroom to find his naked, gristly flaccid body hunched over the footspa while he mutters to himself about Macho Man Randy Savage.
Yes indeed, a lady called Jennifer McDaniel who looks a bit like Clarissa from Clarissa Explains It All, tied the knot on Tuesday with Hulk Hogan (real name, Ultimate Warrior) at a ceremony on Clearwater Beach, Florida.
Hulk Hogan has been with Clarissa Explains It All since 2008, when the Hulkster (real name ‘Superfly Jimi Snuka’) was roughly 8000 years old (so carbon dating experts estimate).
They got engaged last December and everyone cooed about how happy they looked. Of course, you would say that, just to avoid the embarrassing prospect of Hulk Hogan (real name ‘The Gobbledygooker’) of having to get ‘angry’ with you and threaten to elbow drop you. This of course, would result in Hogan taking half an hour to actually get out of the chair and then thrashing around wildly, trying to fix his cataract riddled eyes in your direction, gently thumping his fists on a kitchen work-top, fighting back tears as he recalls the time he could quite easily beat up other oil-soaked humans in impossibly tiny swimming trunks.
Still, that’s not to say violence has left his life completely.
On Tuesday night, Jennifer McDaniel and Hulk Hogan got to the vows and a fight broke out. Just as Hulk Hogan (real name, Razor Ramon) was being helped with the vow of ‘I do’, some of his bodyguards decided to start kicking lumps out of a photographer who, presumably, was trying to get some sneaky wedding pictures.
Some idiot says:
?Hulk?s security team was in the background throwing around the paparazzi who was standing 200 feet away in the shoreline water.?
As this was a small private affair, there’s a bigger bash planned. We can only hope that there’s another fight organised for this involving a giant cage and some tables, ladders and chairs. Undertaker for wedding DJ please!
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Brandon Duncan says
Mr. Gimmers, why do you hate yourself so much?
Lisa says
Is your real name “Repo Man”?