Oh, commentators. The Olympic Games would be worthless without them. How are we supposed to know what's going on if there isn't someone there to verbally reinforce what we are seeing with our own two eyes??
Want to be one of these cats? Here’s how:
– Perfect the art of the talk/scream. Keep the volume of your voice low, but the intensity so high that I can feel the spit flying out of your mouth from my living room couch. You will use this the most during swimming events because OH MY GOD MICHAEL PHELPS LOCHTE.
– Use lots of dramatic phrases. Say things like:
“He’s about to blast off like a spaceship!”
?The Russians came to battle today!?
?Balance beam: the great separator.?
?Sometimes a crowded room can be the most lonely place in the world.?
– Be Captain Obvious. Make sure the audience is clear about what each athlete is doing and feeling at all times. He is extremely nervous. There is so much at stake here. This is the Olympics. She is looking into the crowd at her parents, who also seem to be nervous. Look at her parents. They are nervous. If he doesn't do well, he will not win anything. ?He must dive into the water. She must move her arms and kick her legs to swim. This is the Olympics. London. 2012.
– Hone in on the negatives. Say something really nice and kind followed immediately by something really mean and discouraging. That was a beautiful performance, but that landing totally sucked. She won the gold yesterday, but how disappointing was that? This team has really stepped up their game this year, but that other team just beat them so all of their hard work was pointless.
– Repeat yourself at least five times within one minute. This is important because you want the viewers at home to know what's up. As a commentator, you know that no one listens to you, so make them listen! Repeat after me: repetition is key. Repetition is key. See? It's easy.
– Repeat other commentators at least twice in two seconds. You might wonder why you're doing this. Well, sometimes you won't know what to say and dead air is your arch-nemesis. Don't worry about anyone at home noticing because no one can distinguish one reporter?s voice from another’s anyway.
– Brush up on all the ways you can say how horrible or wonderful a performance was.?Here are some examples: That was catastrophic. That was just bad. What a rough routine.? Sucks to be that guy. I bet they really hate themselves right now. Even I hate them right now. OR.? That's how it's done! What a show, folks! Fantastic! Stellar! She’s done it again! Awesome! YAY! Go team! London! Olympics!
– Don’t make sense sometimes. This keeps everyone watching on their toes. Did you just say, “That’s a little too little just a little too late?” Great job. What does it mean? Who cares! You’re talking and that’s all that matters.
Now, this job is by no means easy, but I’m confident that in no time you’ll be bullshitting with the best of them. Bob Costas who?
Sucky Bob says
Who else hates Bob Costas? SERIOUSLY HE SHOULDNT BE DOING THE OLYMPICS but they keep PICKING HIM again and again. I hate BOB!!