Women! Famous ones! Women about to ruin their lives by introducing more children to this cripplingly awful planet! HURRAY! We have started knitting tiny woollen shoes and cutting a high leg to make attractive tanga brief nappies for the discerning celeb sprog.
And in great news for punners and headline writers, Hilary Duff is pregnant on the year anniversary of her marriage to some pointless athlete or other.
Elsewhere, Jessica Alba has a baby, which means that we can rehash our jokes about cheap Alba stereo units that people used to buy, which most of you will have never heard of because you’re all ironic, middle-class shitheads who had everything they ever wanted, not that it stopped you from writing maudlin poetry, crying on your driving holiday to France.
Anyway, Duff fizzed with naive excitement about her imminent child, not aware of the fact that it will almost certainly tear her undercarriage into one grotesque hole, and then robbing of her of joie de vivre ’til the offspring is at least 40 years old, saying:
“I can’t believe it has already been a year, time really flies when you’re having fun! We also want to share the exciting news that… BABY MAKES THREE!!! We are extremely happy and ready to start this new chapter of our lives.”
A long, miserable chapter where all social networking profile pictures are replaced with dribbling images of a puking infant.
We hope she’ll be carbon offsetting this little spewing, crying git-button. We really do. As a wealthy American child, Duff may as well pour gasoline on the roadside while burning tyres in a factory made from panda skulls.
And while this was all going on, Jessica Alba finally announced the birth of her second budget stereo which has a temperamental CD player and a twin-cassette deck, one that chews tapes up, the other which sounds muffled for no reason at all.
She’s named it Haven Garner Warren for some reason. She’s shared a picture of her pride and joy online, which you can see here.
Yes. You’re supposed to care.
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Cookie Monster says
Haven? Haven Garner Warren? I endured years of torment by wearing the moniker “Cookie”, yet these celebrity tits always find a way to put their dumb-addled children through much more than even I, a blue-furred fist-ornament, can imagine. This is two meant-sacks of stupid using idiocy as a weapon.
?????? says
I love the name Haven! Me, DH, and 1st son are all M’s. I’m always calling my son by hubby’s name. This time around we’re going with an A name. Not that it makes a difference, BIL is an A and I already call my son by his name too!
EssBen says
In my mind Jessica Alba has always had a shaven Haven :D
Cookie Monster says
A slow clap for you, sir (and whatever clap Alba might give you).