Separating the sweet, juicy flesh from the stone and skin of this week?s major label releases.
Look, treat us easy, okay? We’ve overdone it a little bit on all the good stuff that’s bad for you. The wine, the eggnog, the…gingerbread? Seriously?
Whatever, point is we’re barely up for this at the moment. But that’s okay, because the music industry feels exactly the same way. Just like us, they are about to spend the next week dribbling out a piss-poor facsimile of real work, treading water until the big old grey boy up there in his bony cage gets himself sorted out again.
Here’s yer feckin’ Mango.So, here’s the deal. None of the record companies are putting out anything decent this coming week. Even the much-awaited Chuckle Brothers/Cannibal Corpse collaboration has been shelved (until March 9th, we hear).
Which leaves us with this pair of musical nightmares.
Firstly, Unbroken, Katharine McPhee. Come on, of course you do: Katharine was the girl who lost an American Idol title to Taylor Hicks. Oh, stop it: Taylor was the whooping, hollering Southern numpty who beat Katharine McPhee to win an American Idol title.
That’s the problem with microcelebs: trying to contextualise them gets circular very quickly.
Anyway, Katharine is back, having – according to Katharine, at least – made the decision to take a few years out from music to find herself. Did those years of soul-searching and spiritual awakenings lead to a piece of musical perfection which will stand forever as testament to humankind’s innate creativity?
Here’s a hint: she sings Brand New Key, which has previously been covered by The Wurzels.
The album is just what you’d expect from McPhee, a woman so bland she probably finds eating vanilla ice cream to be an overwhelming sensory experience. There’s really no need for this in anyone’s music collection; the voice is nothing special, and the songs press no emotional buttons. It’s represented by the thought:
.
.
I feel nothing. Nothing. Please deliver me unto Katharine.
Secondly, Animal, Ke$ha. Oh, Ke$ha! Ke$h4, K3$h4, |<3$h4!
You and your wacky disregard for the basic modern Latin alphabet, it does make us chuckle. What a pity your album is so 5h|t.
Here’s what we think happened. A horny teenaged son of a record company executive told his dad that he’d really love it if Avril Lavigne played with Kylie Minogue. The father – forgetting how teenaged minds work – thought that such a musical collision would work perfectly. Next thing you know, there’s this album from Ke$ha.
Half the tracks sound like the despicable Lavigne, the other half like the delectable Minogue. Only worse. In both cases, if you can even conceive of something worse than Avril Lavigne’s music (except, perhaps, the sound Janet Street-Porter makes when she treads on an upturned plug while wearing socks).
So, Ke$ha’s music is not as good as its influences. Plus, she’s not even the most crazy-named person on the album. Check out her collaborator on Blah Blah Blah: 3OH!3
Wacky!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This album is represented by the thought:
Oh, sweet! Dad listened to me for once and he’s going to give me Avril and Kylie playing with each other for my birthday! OMG this will totally beat Mickey’s 16th when he got his older sister to show us her knickers.
I am on a mission to destroy my own soul, please give me Ke$ha.
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mgd says
Hope you do not get paid for your drivel!!! This “review” isn’t worth a COMMENT!!!