It has finally happened. A celebrity has actually gone and banned us from rummaging through their bins, standing silently on their lawn and breaking into their house to sniff the laundry basket and fall asleep, face down, with their undergarments on our faces.
That celebrity is Lindsay Lohan.
See, on Wednesday, she won a two-year restraining order against a man she says sent her delusional phone text messages and left chocolates at her door. We say, in our defence, that we thought she might like some chocolates and that we only sent pally text messages because we thought she understood us and wasn’t like the other celebrities. She’s special. She’s the one. But no! She had to change all that didn’t she? She had to go and stamp on our heart! SHE HAD TO CHANGE EVERYTHING! IT IS ALL DIFFERENT NOW! NO MORE MISTER NICE BLOGGER! OH, YOU’LL BE SORRY YOU DID THIS! YOU’LL BE GETTING NO MORE CHOCOLATES FROM HECKLERSPRAY!
Unbelievably, some stupid LAngeles Superior Court Judge called Joseph Biderman, who doesn’t understand the connection we have with Lindsay Lohan… and she feels it too… we know she does… she’s only saying this because of those people that surround her, dripping poison against us in her ear… we’ll reunite though… this temporary restraining order won’t stop hecklerspray! We’re sorry we snapped at you earlier. We know it isn’t your fault.
We’re just angry. Really, really angry.
Anyway, weirdly, this stupid judge refers to us as ‘David Cocordan’, which is obviously the name of the operation they’ve got against us. Ha! They’ve got an operation against us! Why? Just because we love LiLo? And she loves us too. Of course she does. You can see it in her eyes. We’re pretty sure we heard her mutter our name in her sleep when we silently stood over her bed in the middle of the night.
You should see Lohan sleeping. She looks so peaceful. Like an angel. We wanted to keep her that way forever. We would lie by her side, both wrapped in the invisible cloak of loving suffocation, both setting sail to a better place. A PLACE WHERE STUPID JUDGES AND HANGERS-ON DON’T TRY AND COME BETWEEN US!
She liked the drawing we did of her too. We know she did. That’s why she sent it back to us. To let us know she’d used it in a moment of ‘private love’. LOVE FOR HECKLERSPRAY
Because Lohan LOVES HECKLERSPRAY, she did not attend the court hearing. Instead, she stayed in her house with her ankle tag on, thinking about the injustice taking place across town. Her people WHO POISON HER AGAINST US knew she wouldn’t be able to attend court to defend us because of her being under house arrest.
THEY say that we contacted her with more than 100 unwanted phone calls and sexually explicit text messages and had been doing it since 2009. HA! SHOWS HOW MUCH THEY KNOW! HECKLERSPRAY AND LINDSAY HAVE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP SINCE 2007! HA!
This isn’t over because this love is willing to DIE for Linsday.
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MOF says
Mof…hate to break it to you mate….but you’re seriously fucked in the head. Nice picture of you tho. Crazy bastard.
halo says
creepy….
there is not enough brain bleach to get that image out of my head.