Believe in space determining your everyday activities? Do you believe that, up there in that cold dead sky, there’s magic floating around which will give you good or bad luck?
You’re in luck!
That’s because our resident star-fiddler, Joanna Bolouri has been looking at her charts, gazing blankly at the night sky and translating it all into your fortunes. That’s right. hecklerspray horoscopes are all yours. Let us see how your week is going to turn out.
Aries (Mar 21-April 20)
An unexpected family gathering leads you to believe that Uncle Eddie really wasn’t full of crap when he claimed to be having a heart attack.
Taurus (April 21-May 21)
It’s never too late to tell someone you love them, unless that restraining order has already been signed by the judge.
Gemini (May 22-Jun 22)
Everything you ever thought or believed in will be tested today when your mum tells you you’re adopted and that your new haircut is outrageously stupid.
Cancer (Jun 23- Jul 23)
Now is the perfect time to start that diet you’ve been talking about for the past 15 years and begin to love your body again?because?let’s be honest no one will ever sleep with you in that state.
Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23)
You know ‘Final Destination’, where someone has an?extraordinary?vision, saving the lives of their friends and loved ones? Someone ordinary just like you? ?This will happen today… sadly not for you. You never make it off the plane. Sorry.
Virgo (Aug 24- Sep 23)
You’ve been feeling ignored at work today haven’t you? Maybe you have a strong sense that you don’t belong? ? The reason for this will become clear when security informs you that you don’t work there and that they’ve called the police. Again.
Libra (Sep 24-Oct 23)
Great news! That bloke who turned you down at the office Christmas party finds out he has?syphilis today. Make sure you tell everyone.
Scorpio (Oct 24- Nov 22)
Today you feel like no one understands you and you’re destined to be alone forever. ?Which is completely accurate.
Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)
All those drugs you took at the weekend finally kick in and for the first time in your?miserable?life you’re teeth grindingly happy and the best dancer EVER.
Capricorn (Dec 22- Jan 20)
Your Scorpio friends are feeling rather delicate today. Make sure you make fun of their huge,?unattractive?face at least once.
Aquarius (Jan 21- Feb 19)
You eye flirt with someone in a cafe for at least 15 minutes and neither of you makes a move. Pathetic.
Pisces?(Feb 20- Mar 20)
You sneeze and fart at the same time and everyone in the office hears you. Don’t feel bad though, this is probably not the worst thing that will happen to you today.
Soph says
YOU GOT MINE EXACTLY RIGHT.
Mystic Meg is fucked.